To Flirt With a Psycho
by LittleMissYuki
Summary: As a psychologist, Hanji has dealt with countless subjects in the past. But nothing can compare the day when she meets a new subject who- although mysterious and intelligent- manipulates her emotions. As much as she hates it... she eventually falls in love.
1. Protocol

When I received this job, I was given four simple rules.

It was pivotal that I follow them. Every week, I risk my life just by talking someone into turning their life around. Success was rare, however, and most of the people I met were too ill to understand the meaning of a civilized human. I had to deal with hundreds of cases each week of every year. It sounds easy, but it isn't. Not one bit.

This week was the start of a new case, which meant a brand new subject to deal with. I didn't think anything of it. Not until I found out where I was going to meet my subject in. I walked down the corridors of the institution with the detective and several officers, as well as some of my colleagues.

"I will tell you this only once, Ms. Zoe." Says the detective. We arrive to the isolation chamber at the end of the corridor. "This is not going to be one of your usual subjects."  
"I understand," I say.  
"The person sitting in that room right now is very dangerous. I do hope you've prepared yourself for what is to come."  
"Please, say no more. I can take on anything." I tell him to enlighten the mood. The detective chuckles at me and takes my shoulders. "In all seriousness, I trust that you'll do fine in there. All you have to do is sit with him, and stick to protocol. We will be watching you the entire time. Do you have the rules studied in your head?"

I blink at him. "I can recite them all if you wish."  
"Is that so? Well... that isn't necessary. It is time." The detective makes a gesture towards the officers, and they begin to put in the code in order to unlock the door. Then, a loud buzzer fills our ears and the chamber door is open. When I step inside, the room is large and cold. In the middle of it sat a young man, staring at the table below him. His black hair covered his face, so I couldn't see what he looked like yet. I listen to the chamber door slam shut behind me and I immediately want to get out. But I show no fear as I walk to the table and sit down.

 _Rule number one: Show no fear or mercy towards the subject._

"Hello, Mr. Ackerman. My name is Hanji Zoe. And I'm your personal psychologist."  
He is sitting right there before me, but says nothing in return. I put the folder that was given to me on the table and open it up. I take out his profile and glance at the picture of my subject. "Are you alright with me calling you that?" I ask him. Still nothing. So I continue to read his profile.  
"I'll take that as yes."  
"Levi."  
"Hm?" I glance forward, but he refuses to give me eye contact.  
"Call me Levi."

"Fine then." I say. There is a short silence until I break it again. "Well, by the looks of it, it seems like you were quite a troublemaker in the past."  
"Define _'troublemaker_.'" He speaks again. I blink as his silver eyes lock with mine.

 _Rule number two: Maintain eye contact._

It hasn't even been a minute yet and I can feel his pupils spearing into my soul. When I look at them, all that comes to mind is snow- light as a feather, sterile, and frigid. Stay in it too long and it'll slowly freeze you to death.  
"If you really want a definition," I manage to say with professionalism again. I look at all of the things Levi has done, page by page. "Murders... threats... assaults... everything in here leads up to you-"  
"Why are you here?" He suddenly cuts me off.  
I face him again. "I'm here to help you."  
"Help?"  
"Yes."  
"What help could you possibly give me?"  
"The kind to make you human again." I want to bite my tongue after saying that. I hoped that I hadn't offended him in any way. "I'm here to help you recover from whatever is troubling you."

"By interrogating me?" Levi tilts his head. "You want answers that will determine whether I make it out of here or not. You want answers so that you can spill the beans to all of your corrupt friends who will use it against me. You're here for a reason... but guess what? I'm telling you not a _damn_ thing."

He is intelligent. I thought he read my mind. But he had the wrong idea. "Levi... here's the thing," I say to him and lean forward. "What you say isn't true at all. I don't want answers. I want closure."  
"Do you have a family, Hanji?" Levi asks out of nowhere.  
I sit back with a gentle sigh. "I suppose..."  
"Children?"  
"Yes... a daughter."  
"How old?"  
Why is he asking me this? "Seven... she's seven."

 _Rule number three: Do not give out too much personal information to the subject, for he/she may use it against you/guilt trip you._

"Seven years old..." Levi thinks for a moment. Why would he ask me about my family? What use of importance will it be for him? He looks at me again with a cold expression. "Kids are wonderful. They truly are. Until something happens to them. Then, parents go ballistic and do outrageous things in order to keep them safe."  
"What are you trying to get at?"  
"Would you do the same for her? If anything were to happen?"  
"Of course... its second nature to protect others."

He scoffs. "Second nature, my ass." Now, I am confused. However, this could lead into something interesting, so I keep my ears open. "What makes you think that way?" I ask.  
"It's pretty obvious as to why things happen to kids. Sure, curiosity may kill the cat. But is it truly curiosity that kills?"  
"Well... kids make mistakes. Everyone does, in fact. you do, _I_ do... it's a never ending cycle."

Levi rolls his eyes. "Cycles are created by cycles, and cycles are the reason we've become oblivious of our actions. Meaning, if a kid were to hurt himself, he was oblivious of what was to come... and his parents weren't there to remind him of what a dumb ass he was to do that."

Now I lost him again. I realize how talkative he can get. But I blink and try to comprehend what he just told me. "Levi, I don't quite understand-"  
"You are weak." His words shot right through me. But I swallow all my tears and anger and stare at him as stoically as possible.  
"How so?"  
"You're not a good parent. Because all parents do is release their offspring into the wild and expect everything to be peachy in the end. And then you have the audacity to come at everyone else while, in reality, it was all _your_ fault." He stops, finally, and I say nothing and look down. I can't say anything. Never in my entire life have I had a subject that plays with my emotions.  
"Did I hurt your feelings?" I hear him ask. I speak not a word.

Then, "I'm sorry." I look up to see Levi studying the camera on the wall. "Perhaps I went to deep."  
"Do not apologize to me. This is a good start." I lie. This is a bad start.  
He then studies my face. "I can see it in your eyes. Deep inside, you want to cry."  
"I can see it in your eyes as well." This must have got to him, because he shuts up. "Levi, when was the last time you ever cried?"  
"The _last_ time...? Probably the day when I came out of my mother's piss hole."  
"I see."  
"You must be thinking... that's probably how I got 'sick' in the first place."  
I chuckle. Oddly, it made me feel better. Maybe this will be a good day after all. "So, you _are_ aware that you are ill?"  
"I'm not _dying_."  
"I didn't say you were. I asked, are you aware that you are mentally unstable?" That did not sound right. At all. Levi just glares at me now. I was afraid that I offended him. Now that I realize it, why do I care so much about offending him? This should not matter to me. He was indeed restrained, with handcuffs on both wrists, chained to the table, and his legs could not step any closer than an inch. If he did get up, all it would take was one threat and he would be restrained by authorities. So there was no point in being scared. Perhaps it was my kind personality forces me to care so much. I will gladly hide my heart- but I couldn't be heartless.  
"'Mentally unstable' is a strong pair of words..." He then tells me.  
"I... I am asking you this question because of all of the things you have done. I want you to think for yourself. Do you, Levi Ackerman, believe that you are sick?"  
"I'm not sick."  
"Thank you." All I needed was an opinion to write down. But before I do, he points at me.

"Let me ask you something, Hanji. Are you feeling well?"  
"Perfect."  
"Is that so? I bet you stare at the mirror each morning and ask the same question to yourself."  
"Not at all... I am often content with my day to day life."  
"Often... but not _always_!" Levi exclaims.

"Levi, Are you happy with your life?"  
"Theoretically," He says. "Are _you_?"  
I try not to think about it. This is getting ridiculous. "Yes... I am." He thinks I'm lying. He _knows_ I'm lying. I _am_ lying. Jesus fucking Christ, what am I doing here?

Levi scoffs again. "I like you, Hanji. I understand you. You may not understand _me_ yet, but it's fine. Time will tell."  
"Oh, I understand you real well," I say in my head. I'm doing my best to stick to protocol, but I'm failing. So I gather everything and put it into the folder. I only had fifteen minutes left, but I did not want to spend any more of it. "That's good to know. I'm out of time today." I get up from my seat.  
"Take care of your little girl," I hear Levi say as I reach the exit. "And remember... we are _all_ sick."

 _Rule number four: Do not gain an attachment with the subject, and do_ not _under_ any _circumstances be intimate._


	2. Love

Sometimes, I feel bad for her.

It is 6:31am. A brand new morning. The sun was rising and its rays began to peek through the trees and buildings. The sky was a bright orange and the light nearly blinded my eyes. I drive silently down the road among the traffic as the radio sang songs in low volume. For a quick second, I glance at the rear view mirror to check on my young daughter in the back seat. She quietly watches the scenery passing by. Each morning, I had to wake her up earlier than usual for school. I dropped her off first, then went to work. It was a routine that we both agreed on. In fact... it was a routine that we once enjoyed. When my daughter was five, she loved to be in the car with me. But now, she's seven and thinks the school bus is better.

When we arrive at a stop light, I try to wait patiently, but the silence is killing me. So I smile and clear my throat. "So, Luci," I begin. "Is there any events coming up in school?"  
She doesn't face me. "I'm not sure."  
"Any concerts or dances?" I ask again.  
"Well... there _is_ one..."  
"Really? When?"  
"In a few weeks. It's for band."  
"That's nice." The light turns green and soon we're moving again. We are silent all the way until we pass by an accident. The medics surrounded most of the scene. One car was laying sideways, while the other sat on its wheels and looked as if it had been crushed. There were debris spilled out on the ground. Because of the accident, the traffic gets slower until we barely move at all. Luci is curious, and she rolls the window down to get a closer look. "How come nobody is there?" I hear her ask me.  
"You mean the police?"  
"No," Luci says. "The people... why can't I see them?"

Now I get what she's asking. "Well, Luci... the must have saved them already."  
"How, if they're already dead?"  
I blink. "Don't worry about that. Close the window."  
The girl does what I ask and folds her arms. "Do you _have_ to work today?"  
"Unfortunately, yes."  
"You always say that."  
"I know... but later on we can go out to eat dinner when I come home! How's that?" I wait for an answer.  
"Sure. When _you_ come home."  
I want to slam my head onto the steering wheel. The traffic clears and I speed up. "Oh come on Luci, don't be that way. It's too early for this. You should be happy-"  
"Happy for what? _Nothing?_ " She glares at me but I stop looking at her through the mirror. "I'm trying," I whisper. But she can't hear me. Now, we're trapped in the same painful silence as usual.

When she was five, she was happy. But I had divorced. For a while, I noticed that she enjoyed being with her daddy more. Every weekend she would go to her father's house. I had sole custody of Luci, so I took advantage of it. And ever since I took away the visitation rights... she was less happy. And she can never know the reason why I did it.

I eventually arrive at Luci's elementary school. I pull up to the entrance and stop. We managed to be on time. "Here we are," I say. Luci puts on her book bag and opens the door. I turn around to watch her step out. "Have a good day. I love you."  
She just looks at me before shutting the door. "Bye, mommy." And then she's off. I watch her go up the steps and into the building.

 _I'm trying._

Some people have asked me why I call my patients "Subjects". Patients are people who are sick and need medicine. Subjects are people who are sick and need help with their sanity, as well as strange beings that are heavily experimented on _._ We _used_ to call them patients... but clearly times have changed.

The first time I had spoken with Levi, it was almost a disaster. I was close to breaking down in front of him. It was as if _I_ was the one being treated. But now, I'm wiser. I will not allow him to manipulate me. Instead, I shall do the same to him. I came into the room and the cameras began to watch everything like before. I sit down in the table while Levi was across from me and I greet him.

I get right to it. "So... Levi, how about you tell me a bit about yourself."  
"What is there to say? I thought you have all of that in front of you." He says.  
"Sure. But I want to know who you are. What are you likes and dislikes? What's your favorite color?"  
"Well, since you're so kind enough to give a damn, I'll tell you." Levi sits back and thinks for a moment.

He counts with his fingers and sarcastically begins. "Let's see... the first thing I like to do is donate to charity. The second thing I like to do is frolic in the flowers. And the third thing I like to do... is watch the world bow down before me." Levi then fold his arms. I don't think he's taking this seriously at all.  
"Levi," I sigh. "Don't tell me what you _think_ I want to hear. Be honest."  
"What is the point of all this anyway?"  
"Do you not understand? This is to benefit yourself. The whole point of this is to look deep inside yourself and reveal the things you love- whether its material items or even yourself."  
"And if I say no?" Levi asks, raising his voice.  
"This isn't a joke."

He's getting upset. "No, no, it _is_ a joke! You being in here is just some stupid reason to make me tell you things that don't apply to you! You're a fucking hypocrite."  
"Levi, you need to calm down," I demanded.  
Suddenly, Levi slams his fists on the table so hard that it startles me. "Do _not_ tell me to calm down!" He yells so loud that his voice echoes off the walls. We sit in silence for a while. What am I doing wrong? I fear now that this session will be a disaster again. I watch Levi run his hands through his hair as he kept shaking his head. "Do you... do you know what it's like...?" I hear his voice cracking.  
"Levi-"  
"Harassed by your own identity... getting caught in a swarm of bees that sting you over and over again... and they won't shut up... do you know what that's like, Hanji?" He's hiding it, but even _I_ can still see the stream of tears pouring down his cheeks. I got him out of his shell... on just the second day of meeting. I succeeded.

But I feel horrible. All of a sudden my body fills with this unbearable sense of guilt. I don't know why I care so much. Soon, I find myself standing up. The cameras will catch me and the officers will take me away from him. But I do not care. I slowly walk towards Levi's side of the table. "Don't cry," I say. I hear the door unlocking.

Soon I'm right there in front of him. Levi wipes his eyes and looks up at me. "You don't deserve this. I'm sorry. Stand up." I tell him, despite knowing the fact that he could try to kill me. He was handcuffed, but not restrained to the table this time. I watch him stand before me. He is practically my height. I ignore the officers inside the room who demand that I get away. I force my mind to block out everything else.

Levi stands up like I asked. I blink and then take his shoulders. He's warm.  
"Yes. I do know what its like," I say.  
"Don't touch me," He tells me with a sharp tone and pulls away. He refuses to let anymore tears fall. As a psychologist, I realize that it's okay to let it out. So I remind him of that and suddenly give him a hug. "It's alright, Levi. You're only human."

He doesn't fight me- instead, he silences. It's as if I tamed a dragon. It's as if I calmed a rabid dog. All by giving one important thing- love.

 _"Do it."_

The officer is right behind me. One of them takes my arm and pulls me away from Levi while the other roughly grabs him and restrains him face down on the table. I did not take my eyes off of him. I get scolded heavily, yet I hear nothing but the sound of my subject's voice.  
"No! It's not fair!" He screams.

Then the door shuts again with a slam. He's gone. He needs me- I know he does.

I think I need him too...

 _I'm trying._


	3. Beautiful

That day, I violated a rule.

Like a child, I was scolded and yelled at for making a minor mistake. The detective sat me in a conference room at the end of a wooden, oval-shaped table, while the others sat around and watched me as if I was in some kind of courtroom. I could feel each and every one of their eyes burning through my skin. I was the center of attention. I remember the detective reminding me of what the purpose of my job was and what my duties are, trying to make me look stupid. But I let my superiors speak without interruption. "You had one job to do. One. And yet you violated a simple rule," Says the detective.  
"What's gotten into you, lately? It's like each day, more and more, you're escaping from reality."

It's funny how he says that. "Like I had said before... I apologize." I say.  
"That isn't going to cut it! We expected more from you, Hanji. We've been noticing your behavior lately and it just... it concerns us all!"  
I don't ask why it does. I just look at the painting on the wall.  
Then, he scoffs. "Do you even know why we're here?" I can tell he's frustrated with me, as well as the others. Times really have changed. Before, we used to care. We used to have hope for our subjects. We used to treat them with kindness, tolerance, and respect, no matter how destitute or hostile they were.

Now, with the exception of the doctors who were fired, no one gives a shit. All they want is perfection.

"Yes, I do know why we are here." I replied. "I understand that what I've done was wrong to you. But you all need to open your eyes." I stand up as if I'm on a podium. Everyone is surprised as if I said a forbidden sentence.  
"These subjects need help! We can't just sit in a room all day with them, talking about the horrible things they did in the past. We need to help them move on. They need support, love, and happiness- and I do not care how terrifying they may seem, or how needy they are. They aren't lab rats- they are human beings. In the end, we can't judge a book by its cover. No one is perfect. They need a chance to live again."

I wait for any response, even the ones that will hurt. Surely, I look crazy to them. But I mean what I say. However... I feel like hiding. I feel like running out of the room and locking myself somewhere where no one can see me, a place dark and quiet, warm and small like a cardboard box, because now I fear that they will judge me.

"Hanji," The man sighs. "It isn't that simple. I fear that you may not understand what this position asks for. People like Levi can't change. They only learn."  
My eyes light up. "Let me prove it to you."  
"Prove what?"  
"Let me prove to you that Levi will change. He needs me. He probably has no one. Please... I will prove to you that what I'm doing is helpful!" Now I sound like a beggar. I will not let this opportunity slip from my fingers. The detective thinks about it for a second and glances at everyone involved with this case. Then, he stands up as if he's ready to leave. "You know what, fine. Prove to me that Levi can change, and I'll forget about this entire situation. We'll even let you do unsupervised meetings if that's all that it takes."  
"Oh, thank you!" I cried.  
"But..." Before he says the rest, I think to myself of what was to come. He'll probably say the most clichéd thing possible- _"If anything happens, it's your problem"_ or _"if anything happens, you're fired."_ I knew what he was about to say, word by word.

But like always, I was wrong.

"If _anything_ happens, let us know. Immediately."

That night, I got to eat dinner with my daughter. But no matter where I was, I kept thinking about the events earlier today. I think so much that my daughter sits in silence as she colors inside the children's menu. I knew that she was waiting for a conversation to start. I need to stop thinking so much.

The waiter comes by and we order our drinks. Luci asks for a soda and I ask for a glass of water. When he leaves, the girl continues to draw and I smile. "So how was school today?" I ask her. She doesn't look at me. "It was fine."  
"Any drama?"  
"No..."  
"Any boys I should know of?" I ask again, and this time she glances at me.

"You said boys are pigs," She tells me, and I chuckle.  
"I'm kidding! You are absolutely right though. Boys will always be pigs. Stay single forever." I wish I could explain to her why. Luci doesn't seem to like my jokes, though. She just continues to draw. It's so damn awkward. The silence isn't awkward- the actions are. I feel like others are staring at us wondering why we aren't a happy duo. "You know... I'm really happy to be here with you."  
"Hey, mommy," Luci said, ignoring me.  
"Yes?"  
"Are you coming to my band concert next weekend?"  
"Oh, of course I will," I remembered now. I must have forgotten the day of the concert.

"Are you going to _try_?" She then asks.  
I can't be annoyed with her. "Yes. I will try."  
"You never went to any of my other ones... daddy used to go to. But he stopped coming."  
"That's right." I frown. The day I took the visitation rights away, he stopped coming. Because he knew I would be there. I sigh. "Let's... let's not talk about daddy, okay?"  
"At least _he_ wasn't a pig," Luci mumbles as she scrapes the crayon onto the paper. Before I could correct her, the waiter comes back with our drinks and we give him our orders. When he leaves, the only sound I concentrate on is the sound of Luci drawing a red balloon. I watch her make a circle. Then, she makes it bigger. And bigger.  
And redder.  
I come back to my senses and softly take her hand to stop her. "Luci, stop."  
She looks at me, disappointed. I take a moment to process my thoughts. "Luci... I want you to know that I'm always going to be there for you. I'm having so much fun being here with you today. Are you?"

The child only shrugs. Something catches her eye- a tiny mark at the end of my sleeve. She uses her free hand to move it out of the way in order to see what was underneath, but I quickly take my arms back. "What's wrong?"  
"There was something on your skin," Luci replied. "Is it a tattoo?"  
"A _tattoo?_ " I smile, yet hide my hands under the table.

Suddenly, Luci narrows her eyes. "Mommy, are you hurting yourself?"  
Is it hot in here, or is it just me? "What? No, Luci!"  
"Tell me the truth."  
"No, Luci. I don't _hurt_ myself. I can't believe you." I shake my head. She is a smart girl. "Why would you ask such a thing?"  
" _I_ care," Luci folds her arms.

That does it. "Luci, I really don't like how you're acting today. You are being very disrespectful."  
"What are you going to do, hit me?" She asks, raising her voice. I look around- nobody was listening. I take a deep breath of relief and apologize to her. And that's the last thing I said. The remainder of the night was spent in silence- even while we ate. Luci knows that I'm capable of doing stupid things, and it's true. But I don't want her to find everything out. I know she still cares about me in her heart. I do too. But she just can't see it.

I can't blame her.

When we came home, Luci dealt with her business and went straight to bed without a proper goodnight. Therefore, I decided to do the same. The house is calm and quiet. I'm exhausted. I couldn't wait to jump in my bed. It's been such a long day. But I can't go to sleep without getting something out of the way.

I walk into the bathroom, and prepare myself to take a quick shower. I begin to take off all of my clothes, when something catches my eye in the mirror. I study my reflection long and hard. On my arms were short red lines. Like a measuring stick, the lines reached all the way up to my shoulders. They were identical to the ones on both of my thighs as well. The body in my reflection is hideous, but on the inside I think it's beautiful. Suddenly, an idea pops into my head.

I finally turn on the shower, get in, and close the curtain. The water falls on me, and it gets hotter and hotter. It's nice to have hot water- it makes you feel like you have a home to live in. I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful to have water, period. Water is helpful. It hydrates you and keeps you alive.  
It washes things away.

At this point the water is boiling, but I don't care. I hold my wrists up.  
They burn and sting at the same time. I'm fascinated at the amount of blood that falls down with it. It's beautiful. And painful. Luci was right about me. But she can never know the truth.

Because pain is beauty.

When I'm done, I feel satisfied. I wrap bandages around my wrists and then get ready for bed. Soon, I go lay down and stare at the ceiling. A lot has happened today. But that's okay because I got a second chance. I need to prove myself worthy. Because Levi needs me. And as much as I hate to think about it, I've come to realize one simple fact: I need him too.

"I need him too," I think to myself repeatedly. The lingering soreness in my wrists eventually help me drift away and I fall asleep.


	4. Regrets

The days rushed by like vehicles on a highway.

Last week was rough... but as time passed, we began to learn more about each other. Levi began to trust me more, and so did I. We agreed to not dwell on sensitive topics, and if I did he would ask me to stop. We've even met in smaller rooms without supervision. Levi prefers things to be private. However, I never got too much out of him. Although he tells me some strange things, he talks very little about himself. And when he does tell me about himself, I already know half of them are lies. Instead, he seems more interested about my life and how Luci is doing, and if I'm going insane like he was. Of course, I know that he was joking.

However, the answer is pretty self-explanatory.

Today is Thursday, and the sky is sunny and blue. There were a bunch of clouds out, and the air was crisp and warm. I had asked the officers if I could go for a walk with my subject. So they allowed me to go with him to the courtyard which is often used for recreation. Around the courtyard were tall fences with barbed wires on top in case a subject tried to escape. "What are we doing here?" Levi asks.  
"We're doing something different today. We're taking a walk."  
"How if we're still enclosed in this... cage?" Levi looks around.  
I grin. "It's better than being inside, no?"  
He shrugs. "Maybe."  
"Do you like nature, Levi?"  
"I guess..."  
"What's your favorite part about it?"  
"I'm not sure, to be frank." He looks up at the sky as if he hasn't been outside in ages. It was a gesture that told many messages. I'm standing in front of a collection of hidden, untold stories and I was desperate to read them. "But I'll tell you one thing," He continues. "We used to imagine that the clouds were marshmallows."  
" _Marshmallows_?" I tilt my head. Levi nods but doesn't explain who he was talking about. So I don't push it. Instead, I have an idea.

I tell him to sit on the ground with me. He hesitates, but soon gives in. We are sitting next to each other on the cold cement ground. Between us was a long crack in the cement that stretched from the building all the way to the fence and in that crack was a tiny, white flower. Everyone calls them weeds, for they grow no matter how many times you cut them. Yet when I was little, I always called them flowers. Every time I picked them out, I would give it to my mother, but she'd always scold me and refuse to take it. She thought it was rude and I was too innocent to realize that what I spent so much time on picking out for someone's happiness was just annoying weeds. I used to feel horrible for flowers because of all of the things being built on top of it. I used to hate how the trees were being cut down or burned all for luxury purposes. I used to hate how our world was being treated like a trash can. However, despite the negativity... I never stopped loving nature because of one simple fact: it always found a way to grow.

I find myself laying down on the ground next to Levi who does the same. I could tell that he was feeling awkward because he most likely didn't want to invade my personal space. But I didn't care. We stare up into the sky and I smile. "Levi, did you ever play that game where you familiarize clouds with objects?"  
"I guess so."  
"Watch this," I say and point to a particular cloud above us. "That cloud looks like a dog!"  
"A dog?" Levi blinks and takes a good look. "Hm. It kind of does."  
I chuckle. "That's how you play. Your turn!"

Levi sighs and picks one out of random. "Alright. That one looks like..." He studies the cloud for a moment. "A turtle...?"  
"Good!" I say. We continue to play this game for a while, until I fall silent after finding a cloud that looks similar to a human face. Levi sits up and looks at me, confused. "What is the matter?" He asks.  
I keep thinking to myself of who that cloud could have looked like. In my mind were many faces that I have come across throughout my life- ranging from my young daughter, to the old homeless man who crafted bracelets and sold them near the corner store when I was three. Each and every face had different yet special traits: the hair styles, eye colors, and birth marks. I remembered most of the voices that spoke to me. My memory has all of their kind words stored inside, while the stern and angry ones struggled to be free from its prison.

My mind is a museum of facades. The cloud above us in the sky resembles a facade with skin as delicate as a spider's web and a smile as wide as the sea. And the sight of the face makes me want to bash a rock into it. Yet I grin, despite my disgust. "Levi, have you ever done something... you regret?"  
Levi glances back up at the sky with pursed lips. "I've had my share."  
"What's one thing you regret?" I asked.  
"Well, shit Hanji. You ask for a lot of things." Levi shakes his head and lays down beside me again. He takes a moment to study the clouds before saying anything, and soon uses his arms to rest his head on them. "But... as long as you keep it between us... I will tell you."  
"Cross my heart and hope to die." I sound playful, but I mean it.

"It was... two years ago," Levi began. "I had a friend. She was really sweet... beautiful, too. She was always there for me and often lectured to me as if she were my mother. She cared about me more than the bird shit on the roof of her car. Anyway... she got married. The guy was pretty alright... he was tall. Strong. Social. A ladies man, if you will. In return, I made sure that my friend was doing well. Two months later, I found out that she was pregnant. I asked her what the sex of the baby was, yet she wanted it to be a surprise. Then she mentioned that she did not tell her husband yet. Thinking it would be a good idea... I told her to spill the beans. I haven't heard from her since that day, until she came over to my house. She came to me crying. I was concerned. I asked her, 'what happened?' and then she answered: 'He beat me, Levi! He beat me!'" Levi pauses for a moment. I could tell he was uncomfortable. But he takes a breath and manages to continue.

"I snapped. I couldn't bear to hear her crying and begging for help. So... I went to their house and rang the doorbell. When the bastard answered it, I pushed him inside and shut the door behind me. I punched him and kicked him repeatedly until he coughed up blood. He never fought back. So I sat over him, put my hands around his neck, and glared into his eyes. I said to him loud and clear: 'if you _ever_ hurt her again... I'm going to fucking kill you.' But something told me not to let go. She found me and begged me to stop. So I did what she asked. He never said a word to me again. Eventually, I saw my friend less and less. She'd speak to me in hushed tones and act as if she disliked me. Then one day, all communication was lost. I went to her house again to find the police there. There were yellow tapes everywhere and I ran as fast as I could to the scene. I saw it, Hanji. I saw her body. She had been stabbed ten times in the stomach and her head was bashed in by a rock. Ever since that day, I searched for him until I found him going back to his house... probably to get something of his. So I broke in. He tried to fight me this time. But I managed to beat the shit out of him and break his legs so that he wouldn't run away. I tied him down and took a knife from the kitchen. He had the audacity to ask, 'why are you doing this?' So I pulled his pants down and told him the truth. 'I told you I would kill you if you hurt her again.' I castrated his balls and watched him suffer. When that was enough, I slit his stomach open and let all of the blood seep through. I watched him die, Hanji. Slowly and painfully."

I sit up, devastated by his story. I knew for a fact that this was all real. Levi just sits there, legs folded. He brushes his hand through his hair and sniffs. But he doesn't tear. I want to touch his shoulder, but its better that I don't. "Wow... I can't believe that happened... I'm so sorry Levi. It's always hard to lose a friend. Trust me... I know what it's like."  
"You don't have to apologize. It's all over and done with, anyway." Levi nods to reassure himself of that fact.  
"Still..." I don't know what else to say. "Did you... did you regret... asking her? About the baby?"  
"No." He simply shakes his head. "I regret not being able to save her."

That hit me hard. But I understood him all too well. I have no more words to say. But the way he looks at me sends me the message that he didn't do anything wrong. It was as if he wanted my sympathy all from the start. He wanted me to believe his story. And I do. The way he looks at me with those eyes- the very eyes that pierced through me in the beginning- began to finally take a toll on me. He's changing me. For better? For worse? I don't know. But what I do know is this: we are the same.

We are meant to be.


	5. Selfish

_"Can I ask you something, though?"  
"Of course. What is it?"  
"Why did you ask me if I have regrets?"  
"It was just a thought, really."  
"Do _you _have regrets?"  
"I have _no _regrets. None at all."_

Luci's band concert was tonight at seven o'clock. And I promised her I would come and watch her perform. When we arrived at the school, I parked and Luci immediately hopped out of the car. "Come on, mommy! It starts in five minutes!" Says my daughter, excited rather than annoyed. She couldn't be upset at me, because I swore to her that I would be there to watch her for the first time. I was excited myself. I loved these types of events. It brings everyone together.

Tonight is super important- not only to me, but to Luci. After three songs, Luci was assigned to do a solo while the band accompanied her. I remember hearing her practice in her room. She would sing while doing small chores or playing with her dolls. Tonight will be the outcome of it all. And I hope for only the best. I decided to take my mind off of everything and dedicate this night to her. It's what she only asks of me. I turn the car off and get out of it. I was dressed casually, while Luci wore a semi-formal dress as required. There sat a green head band on her little head as well. She was as cute as a button. Families walk pass us as I lock the car door and take Luci's hand. "Sorry we came a little late," I say with a grin.  
"It's okay. But we're going to be later if we don't hurry."  
"Yeah, I know." I reply as we rush up the steps to the entrance of the elementary school. We fly through a large crowd of families with their children and make our way toward the auditorium. Around me is the sound of excited chatter and the smell of baked goods made by the cooking club. In this elementary school, everyone is family. But I'm just a needle in the haystack.

We make it to the auditorium where people enter and exit. She looks up at me with bright eyes. "This is it, mommy." She says. I nod and kneel down to her level and cup her cheeks. "Have fun, Luci. You'll do great."  
"Do you really think so?"  
"I _know_ so."  
Luci blinks and her expression changes completely. She hides her hands behind her back. "Mommy... I'm nervous."  
"It's going to be fine." I reassure her.  
"Are you going to sit close?"  
"I'll sit right in the front. If you can't find me, I'll be the loud one cheering you on." I joke, and she smiles. Soon I we hear an announcement that the show was going to start momentarily. So I give her a hug. "I'm so proud of you. Have fun." When I let her go, Luci scurries off. I watch her until I can't see her anymore, then make my way to the showroom.

I didn't get to sit directly in the front, but what I got was close enough to the stage. I was lucky to find a good seat, for they always fill up quickly in places like this. Hopefully, Luci will be able to find me. The auditorium was huge for an elementary school and had a balcony in the back for an even larger audience. Tonight must have been special to everyone because the entire room was filled with strangers. I quickly think to myself. In this room were so many situations, conditions, and lives. It's amazing how stories collide into one... like galaxies.

Suddenly, the house lights turn off, and the stage lights appear. Suddenly, the principal walks to center stage and holds the microphone up to her mouth and presents the show. This is it. The curtains soon move out of the way as the audience applauds. Then, silence. On the stage was the entire band and their composer, and they got themselves ready to play their first song. In my head I counted:  
 _Three, two, one._

Suddenly, the room was filled with beautiful, upbeat music. I imagined musical notes floating from the stage to out above our heads. This was indeed a day to remember. I study the band until I find Luci playing the flute. She looked so professional sitting there as she blew into the instrument, creating lovely sounds with it. I then hear a man behind me whisper something.  
 _"That girl is so off key."_  
My ears heat up with annoyance. I hope he wasn't talking about Luci. How dare he judge children? I knew for a fact that most of the families around me were here for one reason only: to judge. What's the point in that? All these children do their damn best to impress their families, and yet all they get is a lecture on how they could've done better. It's not a competition. The whole point of this is to have fun.

I shake it off, though. Tonight wasn't about strangers. It was about Luci. When the song ends, I stand up and cheer as loud as I can. For two endings, I do this until people look at me funny. I was proud to be a mom. No matter what mistake was made, I enjoyed every second of it.

"Wait," I think to myself. I hear something. But the final song was about to conclude, so I ignore whatever it was. Eventually, everyone is cheering. Now it is time for Luci's solo. However, I feel something vibrate in my pocket after I sit down from giving a standing ovation. I quickly take out my phone- fifteen missed calls from the Institution, it read- and I am hesitant to answer. What the hell could they want now? I deem it as unimportant. Yet I have a gut feeling... something was happening over there.

Luci was going to perform soon. Fortunately, there will be a five minute intermission. That's plenty of time for me to call them back. The principal announces this break as the curtains close, and I immediately stand up to leave for a quiet area. If I wanted to see Luci perform, I had to hurry. I go into the bathroom and lock myself in the stall. I dial the hospital's number and wait for someone to answer. Then, "Hanji?"  
"Yes, speaking?" I answer.  
The voice on the other line is angry. "What took you so long to answer, Hanji?!"  
"I'm at my daughter's concert."  
"Thank god," says the doctor. This does not sound good.  
"What's wrong? Is everything alright?"  
"Hanji... Levi escaped thirty-five minutes ago!"

My eyes widen and my stomach drops to the floor. "What?! How?!"  
"Levi was being brought back into his room when he overheard an officer say that he accidentally left the gates open. Then he proceeded to knock out both of the doctors who were with him and ran out of the nearest exit he remembered!"  
"That's impossible!"  
"And the worst part is... he's after _you_!"

I'm scared, yet calm. "I can't believe this..." I shake my head. I almost want to puke.  
The doctor continues. "We've already alerted the police. We advise you not to go home! If you see him Hanji, please let the authorities know! Protect yourself!" My first instinct was to protect Luci. Yet four minutes have passed I'm just sixty seconds away from missing her solo. I cannot believe this is happening. Today was almost too good to be true.

 _Or is it too good to be bad?_

I tell the doctor that I will arrive at the hospital as soon as the concert ends. I then hang up the phone and run out of the stall. I look at the time- Luci's solo began already. Poor thing... she must be looking for me right now, wondering where I went. She's probably so scared on that stage. When I make it to the auditorium again, a teacher stands by the door and stops me before I can go back inside. "Sorry, ma'am. But we can't let you come in during the performance."  
"What? Why not?" I ask.  
"It interrupts the students."  
"Please let me inside," I try to push the doors open but the woman takes my arm. I can hear Luci's voice through the closed doors. She has the voice of a young, innocent angel... and yet I'm not inside to keep her company. "Please... that's my daughter in there!" I beg the teacher. But she looks at me like I'm insane. "I don't know what your deal is... but you had five minutes to get back in here."

I shake my head and back away from this bitch. I want to smack her upside her head. I try to think of other options. If we go back home when the concert ends, we can't stay there. But where will we go? I have no other friends or family who would want to help.

Suddenly, I have an idea- a bad one. A horrible one. But I have no other choice. I will leave Luci here in this school. I won't be able to protect her if she's with me. I fear that I will lose her. But at the same time I can't just leave her. This was the only option. They'll take better care of her... I know so. I'm not a good mother. I never was. And I never will be.

I listen to the echo of Luci's voice through the doors until the sounds of clapping hands take over. I'm so proud of her. She did an amazing job. I smile, satisfied to have heard her sing. My eyes get blurry. It's time. I turn around and leave the school, ignoring the teacher who wanted my return.

Tonight, I broke a promise. What I am doing is selfish and cruel. But it is the only way I can keep my baby safe.

The night is so cold that I could see my breath in the air. I did not stop running to my car at the end of the lot. I search for my keys. Where will I go? What will I do? It's me he's after.

Perhaps I'm overthinking the situation. After all, what if he means no harm? As a matter of fact... why am I so scared? This is actually great... it's wonderful! Levi is free! I'm so happy! Now we'll be together!

 _"Hanji."_

I drop my keys. When I look over my shoulder, I feel a sharp pain on my head and everything flashes before my eyes. I fall into darkness and finally nothing.

As soon as I come to my senses, I hear birds chirping. I open my eyes. Above me is a white, popcorn ceiling and a spinning fan. Was it all a dream?

I carefully sit up. My head is killing me. I put my glasses on to study the bedroom I'm in, only to realize that it isn't mine. The room was lit by the sunlight, which came from the open window. I feel a breeze of cool air. "Where am I?" I think to myself. Am I dead? Is this what heaven looks like?

I put my bare feet on the floor and stand up. I don't remember how I got here, nor do I remember changing my clothes. On my body was a white nightgown that reached my ankles. My hair was still tied up, but it needed to be fixed. This place seemed safe and comfortable... but at the same time, I have a bad feeling that it isn't what it seemed to be.

The knob on the door is turning. Nervous, I go back on the bed and shield myself with the blanket. I watch the door open and see a young man enter with a cup in his hands. I blink and realize who it is. "Oh. You're awake," Says Levi, as he walks toward me and sits on the corner of the bed.  
"Levi...?" I can hardly comprehend what was happening.  
"Sorry about last night. It was the only way I could get to you."  
"W-what?" I ask. "You were the one who... got me unconscious... how long have I been out?"  
"All morning." Levi stops. My head continues to throb with pain and I groan. He hands me the cup of water and a pill. "Here. This should stop the pain."

I take the pill and swallow it with the water, and finish it all in one take. I wipe my mouth with my hand. "How did you know I was at the school?" I want to know.  
"You told me. Don't you remember? A few days ago, you mentioned Luci's concert."  
I do remember. How could I have been so stupid? "Shit...that's right..." I gasp, for reality hits me like a bat.

"Luci! I left her there... I need to get back to her!" I try to get up, but Levi grabs my arm.  
"Wait. You can't leave."  
"Why?"  
"Because... you're safe now."  
"What do you mean?"  
"You are safe now... with me. You have no more reason to worry." Levi's grip on my arm is causing it to turn insanely red. I stare at him with fear, and he then decides to let go. "You... kidnapped me," I say.  
"So I did..." Levi doesn't stop looking at me. He's freaking me out. This can't be happening. I notice the door- it is wide open. Perhaps, if I make a run for it, I'll be able to escape.

 _But do I really want to?_

We sit in silence until I jump up from the bed and sprint to the door. Levi gets up and chases after me. He is the predator and I am his prey. I run down the hall where the stairs were. He's right behind me. As soon as I reached the first step, I feel two hands on my back violently shove me forward, and I am air born. I scream as I tumble down the stairs. My elbow dislocates when it slams against the steps and the fall ends with me hitting the wooden floor. I can't move my right arm at all without feeling agonizing pain. I couldn't see a thing, for my glasses flew elsewhere. I watch Levi's figure walk down the stairs toward me.

When he's close, he kneels before me. "I didn't want to do that," He says without emotion. "But clearly, you like to play tag."  
"What are you going to do to me?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.  
"I don't know yet... but time will tell." He replies and moves the hair out of my face. "Welcome to my home."


	6. Misery

_A dream come true._

I'm dreaming. This can't be real.

None of this is real. I didn't ask for any of this. This is a nightmare.  
What did I do wrong?

 _"Everything."_

I want to leave. But I can't. He tied my legs to the legs of the chair. My chest is touching the table and I can't move away. The pain in my head subsided, but my right arm is on fire. Levi wrapped a cast around it so it can heal quicker. In the meantime though, I'm a crippled mess. This house was surprisingly neat. Although all the windows were boarded up by wood, everything was in its place. The front door probably had complex locks on them, so there's no way I can figure them out now.

I sat in the dining table that wasn't too far from the kitchen. I stare at Levi, who prepares food with his back facing toward me. In front of me sat an empty cup, and beside it was a glass pitcher filled with orange juice. I don't know what he is cooking, and I don't want to. I just want to go home and see Luci again. I just want to lay in my bed and wrap myself in a blanket. I just want to be free.

I hear Levi's footsteps and it pulls me out of my daydream. I look up to see him approach me with a plate in his hands. "I'm no cook," He says as he lays the plate in front of me. "But I do hope you enjoy it." Levi then pours the orange juice into the cup and sits down in the seat across from me. On the plate sat scrambled eggs and one piece of bacon. I just stare at it. "I'm not hungry," I say at once.  
"You need to eat."  
"I don't want to," I shake my head.

Levi just folds his arms. "You're pretty stubborn, aren't you?"  
"Why are you doing this? After all that I've done to help you?" I try to reason with him.  
" _Help_? How funny."  
"I'm serious. I sacrificed a lot to help you... and yet you take me to a house that probably isn't even yours and keep me hostage."  
"Who said I was keeping you hostage?" Levi asks and I say nothing. He scoffs and shakes his head. "You're lucky enough to be alive."

"You lied to me, didn't you?" I ask.  
"About what?"  
"The whole story about your friend... was that just some little lie to make me feel bad?"  
"Did you lie to me about having a daughter?" Levi then asks.

I sigh and change the subject. "Can you at least untie my legs?"  
"No."  
"Why?" I yell out of nowhere, and Levi gets annoyed.  
"Because you behave terribly. And I will continue to treat you like a dog until you are obedient." Levi gets up and walks up to me. He was getting impatient. "Now eat. The food is getting cold."  
"I said I wasn't hungry." I reply, but I knew it wasn't the right thing to say at a time like this. He suddenly pulls my hair back and I'm forced to face him. "I don't think you have a choice," He calmly says. "I'll shove this down your throat."  
I'm beginning to sense that all of this isn't just for the fun of it. Levi has a purpose. And I think I know what it was. "Look... I get it," I say to him. "You want revenge. You want to retaliate against the people who have hurt you. You broke free for a reason and although on the outside you're upset, deep inside of you is sadness."  
"Don't you start that bullshit with me!" He pulls my hair more and I squeeze my eyes shut.  
"But you don't understand... I did nothing wrong to you... I tried to help you, and yet you're doing _this!_ I thought we were-" He cuts me off.  
"We were _what_? Say another word, I dare you."

I wanted him to hear me out. I wanted him to understand. But he just doesn't want to listen. "I thought we were-" He cuts me off again when he, out of nowhere, uses his left hand to grab my face while the other hand scoops up the food from the plate. Levi violently shoves the food into my mouth and I resist. "Open your mouth," He yells, for I keep pulling away. The food he made me enters my mouth and it tastes terrible and I gag. After I cough on him, he lets go of me and I force myself to fall sideways onto the floor. I cough up spit and remains of the food while laying on my side. Levi scoffs and unties my legs from the chair so that he can sit me up. "You're such a fucking drama queen," He says. I don't look at him.

Instead, I giggle. It gets louder. And it turns into a laugh. I can't stop laughing! I laugh so much that my diaphragm feels like it's about to burst. "...Friends!" I say in between chuckles. Levi blinks and probably realizes what I was trying to say before. I didn't like what he just did to me. I loved it. I loved it and hated it. I got what I deserved but got what I wanted at the same time. It's strange really, but it's the truth. The taste of the disgusting food was no more. Yet I couldn't help but remember the long, warm, and soft fingers that tried to force it down my throat.

"What's so funny?" Levi finally asks.  
I try to calm myself down. I wipe my mouth with my sleeve and look at him. "I once thought we were connected... but clearly, I was wrong."  
He scoffs again. "Friends. Such a childish word, belonging to people who have no intentions on making your life better. They're like birds. They just sit there and shit on you."  
"What about that girl?" I ask.  
He hesitates to answer. "She was my last one. What a mistake." He shakes his head and picks himself up. "Besides. I don't need friends. It's better to be alone."  
"Then why did you bring me here?" I tilt my head, but he doesn't answer the question. He just begins to clean up the mess we made. I carefully stand up and watch him. He doesn't want to admit that he needs me. I know he does. "Well?" I question him again.

But he ignores me. "Pick up that chair."  
"Are we not friends?" I walk up to him.  
"No... I don't think we are."  
"You aren't alone, you know. If you were, I would not be here."  
"I don't consider you as a friend." He puts the dishes in the sink. I smile and come closer to him and take his shoulder, which causes him to stop what he's doing.

I lean forward until I'm able to speak in his ear. "Do you consider me being... _more_ than a friend?"  
He doesn't move. He doesn't say anything. He can't say anything, because I'm right. I know I am. Be he just doesn't want to admit it. Maybe we are on the same page after all!  
"Whatever," Levi says at once. He turns around and takes my good hand. We walk into the living room until he sits me on the sofa. "Stay here. Don't move from that spot." He demands.  
"Where are you going?"  
"I have something I need to finish doing."  
"Like what?"  
"None of your business," Levi just leaves me in here and then he's gone. I listen to him in the distance as he opens the back door, only to slam it shut. I sit here quietly for a few minutes and look around. Eventually, my curiosity gets the best of me, so I stand up and look at all of the pictures on the walls. Each one was different... but the people in the photos were the same. A woman and her husband stood with a little boy in between them doing silly poses in cute Halloween costumes. In another photo was a picture of the same woman with her little boy at the beach. And in another one was a beautiful photo of a newborn baby with chocolate brown eyes. Sitting on the shelves were even more picture frames and vases. On the chimney top was a picture between two used candles: the same little boy. I lock my eyes on that face. Something must have happened to him. He must have passed away. The house that Levi brought me in used to belong to a family; a family that suffered from loss. I begin to feel emotional. I know the pain all too well.

A bang startles me and I spin around to look for where it came from. Levi came back inside. I peek my head into the hallway to see what he was doing, and I see him carrying something in a huge black bag. It must be really heavy. He opens the door to the basement and throws the bag down the stairs. Soon he goes down the stairs and I decide to secretly follow him. One by one, I take a step while holding onto the railing. I can hear shuffles and muffling. Confused, I manage to make it to the bottom. The washer and dryer were down here, as well as the boiler. There were boxes upon boxes against the wall. There was a table that had strange tools in the corner next to a pipe. The basement was lit by one light bulb on the low ceiling. I notice the guest room he must be in. I peek my head again to see what he was doing.

Tied to a metal pipe was a woman who had been blindfolded. Her mouth was taped shut and had only a shirt on. I see Levi sharpening something. I immediately want to scream. Who is this woman? And what does he want with her? "What are you doing?!" I come in the room.  
"Hanji! I told you to wait upstairs."  
"What are you going to do to her?!" I ignore him. The woman doesn't know what is going on and she is literally crying under the blindfold.  
"I told you it was none of your business!" Levi yells, annoyed at me. In his hand was a hunting knife. There was a table full of things to hurt people with, and I knew he was planning on using all of them on her. I shake my head and go to the lady. But I don't free her. I touch her soft cheek. She flinches when I do. I can feel her shaking. She was scared to death.

Levi just sighs. "You weren't supposed to find out," he says. "While I was gone... I lost this house. And she kept it company for four years. Now her time is up."  
"Her family..." I whisper. I untie her blindfold and see her brown eyes. I see fear in them. And she's the same mother in that photo. "Shh, it's okay. I know you've lost someone dear to you. And I get it." I stroke her hair. I turn to Levi. "Are you going to kill her...?"  
"No." He says. He hands me the knife. " _You_ are."  
I swallow. I take the knife and the lady whimpers even more. I stare at the weapon. Everything is happening so fast. I can't do this. But something inside of me wants to do it. So I blindfold her again. "Don't worry. I'll put you out of your misery."

One time was all it took. But a slit throat wasn't enough. I felt her pulse get slower and slower until she was gone. Then I cut up her face, and gauged her eyes out. Despite my broken arm, I made sure she was unrecognizable. There is blood all over my hands. I may have over done it. But now she was free. She is with her baby now. And that's all that matters.

I stand up and drop the knife. I glance over at Levi, who is shocked. "What's the matter?"  
"It's as if... you've done this before."  
"Oh. I see." I walk up to him. Close. "Levi... didn't you say that... we're all sick?"  
He says nothing. I pull down my sleeve to reveal all of my scars. "I know you saw this when you changed my clothes... I know you saw it all." I stare into his eyes and touch his cheek with my bloody hand.  
"What are you getting at...?" Levi asks.  
"The truth is..." My eyes get blurry, but my lips keep shaping themselves into a grin. "I think... I think I _am_ sick!"


	7. Reasons

Everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes, we don't know what those reasons are. Like the very moment we cleaned up the blood stains on the carpet. Like the moment when we stuffed the woman's body into a trash bag and took it outside. Like the very moment Levi took the shovel out from the shed and began to dig up a hole in the backyard while the tall fences stood around us. What was the reason for that? Why did it come to this?

Watching him bury her up reminded me of a funeral. Only, this was an informal burial. Improper, to be exact. She'll never be able to be like those people resting in coffins. She won't be able to have a gravestone. Her family wont be able to cry over her lifeless corpse for the first and final time. I wonder how she planned to die. Did she want to be buried in the first place? Or did she want to turn into ashes? I'm sure everyone has a plan when they get old and frail. I've thought about it countless times before. It's sad, but it is what society has come to. That's why I don't want to do either of them- I want to live how I like to live. Even if it means plunging further into sin.

A red hand print was painted on Levi's cheek. I'm sure he was disgusted at first but it did not phase him until he finished burying the corpse completely. After he saw me tear up in front of him just a few minutes ago, he just moved me a side to get rid of the woman as if he didn't care what I had to say. I managed to pull myself together, but my hands were still bloody. Perhaps he had different expectations of me... but clearly, he was surprised that I did not hesitate. I watch Levi smooth out the dirt and throw the shovel on top of it. "What's wrong?" I ask as he grabs my broken arm to go back inside. It hurt a little, but it wasn't a big deal.

"You should take a shower." he replied, but sounded frustrated.

"Why?"

"What do you think?" We go back inside and he locks the door.

"I see..."

"You take the one upstairs."

"I'll try," I joke, referring to my broken arm. Levi thinks for a moment and sighs. He takes off the cast he wrapped around the injured area. He feels my arm to find where it was broken. The closer he got, the painful it was. "What are you going to do?" I ask, flinching.

"It's not broken," Levi realizes. "It's just dislocated."

"It is?"

He nods. "I am going to pop it back into place."

"What? Are you kidding me?" I widen my eyes.

"Don't worry, it only takes a second."

"No, you're insane!" I want to pull away, but he just narrows his eyes.

"Stay still." Levi looks at my elbow and gets ready. "One, two, three!" With a pull of my forearm, I feel my bones slide into place in a matter of seconds and a bomb explodes inside. I yell and fall to my knees, grabbing my elbow. "Can you move it now?" Levi asks.

I shakily try it out, and I can bend it without a problem now. Although it had bruises on it, the pain was already going away. It was such a relief. "Yeah... I can..."

"Good." Levi roughly helps me stand up. "Now you're not handicapped."

"Ugh," I groan as I make my way upstairs. I had to give it to him, though. I honestly feel a lot better now.

When I take a shower, I made sure all of the blood came off of my hands. For once, I felt like I was at home again. I still miss home, and I definitely miss Luci. I bet she's with Child Protection Services the teachers called for her. They probably brought her to her father since he is next of kin, even though I took away his rights long ago. And the police must be searching for me. I could be arrested for abandonment if I was found. I bet Luci is worried sick. Angry. Oh, she must hate me now! She's been through so much, that child... and the one day I was supposed to be there for her, on the day I was supposed to regain her love and trust, I fucked it all up. I wanted to protect her... I still do... I want to hug her again and hear her voice. I can still remember the song she sang. I begin to whisper the lyrics to myself. I sit down, hug my knees, and continue to sing. I used to be free. But now I'm trapped in a house with a man that I have convoluted feelings for.

I realize how long I'm taking when the water switches from really hot to freezing cold. I pull myself together and get out of there. I walk into the hall with a towel wrapped around my body and go into what was once that woman's bedroom. I look through her drawers and her closet to see what clothes would fit me. I don't know what Levi did with the outfit I was wearing last night. Perhaps he put it away or threw it in the trash. I'll never know. Luckily, the clothing in the room fit me, so I put on a simple pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Suddenly, I hear the door open and I jerk my head to see who's there. "Oh... there you are," Levi says, relieved. He had a different outfit on.

"I was getting dressed!" I say in a sharp tone.

"Took you long enough. I was beginning to think you slipped and killed yourself."

"Well... clearly, I'm alive." I fold my arms. We stand in silence for a moment, until Levi breaks it again. "Can I ask you something?" He asks.

"What?"

"Why... why didn't you hesitate?"

"Hesitate with what?"

"You know what." He waits for me to answer. I knew it. He was expecting me to hesitate killing that lady after all. I sigh and walk over to the window and look out of it. I saw a driveway below us with a covered car parked in it. It is probably mine. There's no doubt about it. Also, this house sat in a cul-de-sac and there were no neighbors around us. The sun was still high in the sky and I saw birds flap their wings to fly away from the surrounding trees. They can escape without a problem, at least.

I didn't really want to tell him. He can't know the truth. No one can. I keep looking outside. "She just... reminded me of someone." I said.

"Who?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not?"

"Because its personal." I replied.

"You're going to have to tell me sometime," Levi says, walking up to me. I can see his reflection. "Secrets don't exist to me."

"Well, some things are better left unsaid." I watch a squirrel run across the street. I feel Levi's presence behind me, but he just shakes his head. "Fine. Don't tell me." He sighs.

"You just wouldn't understand," I add. "That woman... her eyes... they were all just too familiar... I couldn't help myself."

"You couldn't help yourself?" Levi makes sure he heard that right. I blink. Did I really say that out loud? He is a step closer to the truth now.

"Never mind what I just said." I tell him.

"No, no, no... I want to know."

"Why can't you just leave it be?"

"Isn't that what you would have wanted me to do?" He asks, and I shake my head. It's coming back. She's coming back. I don't want to see it. I leave from the window and sit on the bed, for I was beginning to feel lightheaded from all of this stress. I rub my temples as Levi sits beside me. "You've been acting like a real bitch today."

"What the hell does is that supposed to mean?!" I cry.

"You're disobedient... and you weren't supposed to find out about what was happening down there."

"Look, I'm sorry okay?" I yell again and my head starts to hurt.

"That isn't going to cut it." Levi grabs my arm where my bruise is and he squeezes it.

"What do you want from me, then?" I ask, but he doesn't say a word. He stares at the floor. He just... thinks. For once, I like the silence. Although it was intense and heated, it was rather calming. The window was cracked open, so all I could hear was little birds chirping. It made me feel safe.

But not even the songs of little birds could prepare me for what was to come next. Levi glances at me again and we lock eyes. "I want you," he began. "To spit it out."

"How...?"

"I'll make you."

"You wouldn't understand-" I get cut off when he takes my shoulders and pushes me. I quickly fall on my back and Levi sits over me. "Perhaps this will work out," he says.

"What are you going to do?" I question, fear possessing my entire body now. "Get off!"

"If only you had listened." Levi said and put a pillow over my face. I grab the pillow to pull it off, but he wont let me. Was he going to suffocate me to death unless I speak up? Is this how he solves things? Is this really it for me?

Then I realize something. I wasn't going to die. He wasn't forcing the pillow onto my face. And I stop struggling when I feel everything I wore from my waist down gets removed completely. I move the pillow aside to take a peek at what was happening. Yet suddenly, I taste it- no. I taste him. I taste his sweet lips. They're so delicious. Soon I wrap my arms around Levi and suck on them. Its like sucking on a lollipop. He smells so yummy. This is wrong, but it feels so right.

We dance together with grace, with angst, with pride. We dance until we begin to sweat, but we manage to pull through. It's truly beautiful, dancing without a choreography to follow. Eventually, I decide to sing. I sing because I felt happy to be here. But soon, I sing too loudly and Levi covers my mouth to shut me up. He doesn't care about my voice. He just wants perfection. Therefore, we dance harder and faster, and I thought I heard an audience on the background cheering us on. And my feet begin to hurt. Everything begins to hurt.

And it hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

Levi stops dead. The doorbell rang downstairs. Who could possibly be here? He gets off of me and off of the bed to look out the window while I try to catch my breath. "Shit," he whispers. He fixes up his clothes but I take his arm. "Wait," I said. "Don't go."

He snatches his arm from my hand. "Oh, please. Don't be a slut. Someone's here."

"Who?"

"I don't know..." He paces around the room. "I'll see who it is. Come with me, if you want." Levi throws my pants at me and leaves the room. Just like that. I don't know what all of that was about just now. And I don't care if he didn't get the answer he was looking for.

But I think I can get used to this...

I put on my pants and tidy up my hair. I walk swiftly down the stairs and see Levi looking through the peek hole in the front door. "It's some guy with flowers in his hand," he says. I look through the peek hole when I get there: it was definitely a man with formal attire and neat, dark hair. Perhaps this was the lady's husband... my stomach drops to the floor. "I have an idea," I say.

"You do?"

"Yeah... to make him leave."

"I don't trust you."

"I'm being honest." I reply, and he just nods.

"Fine. But if you try anything... I'll kill you." Levi threatens, but I knew it wasn't real. I nod with understanding. After I tell him the plan, he unlocks the door.

This will be fun.


	8. Sorry

"Good afternoon," says the man at the door with a kind smile. But I was not the person he was looking for. "Oh, are you a friend of my wife?"  
I swallow hard. "Um, yeah, I am."  
"Ah, I see. I don't think we've met. I'm her husband." He wants to shake my hand and I take it. He blinks at the sight of my scars, but doesn't mention it. "Is she... Is she home? I bought these flowers in hopes it would make her feel better."  
"No. She went for a walk."  
"Alone?"  
"Yeah... she insisted that I stay." I fold my arms. The man nods and looks at the flowers.  
"Well," he says. "At least she's moving around."  
"What makes you say that?" I ask.  
"Last night, we had an argument. And I thought it was a good idea to blow off some steam by staying at a hotel for the night. But I knew it was wrong to do such a thing. So I came back."

I grin. "That's sweet of you." The man nods and cannot help himself.  
"What happened to your arms...? If I may ask?" I hear him ask.  
I shake my head and reassure him that it wasn't a problem. "Ah, it was years ago... I was one of those kids who hated the world. I thought that this was the answer. I was dumb. I did stupid things. I still do!" I chuckle, but the man is getting an uneasy vibe from me.  
"I see." He said.  
"W-would you like to come inside? I'm sure she'll be back soon."  
"Oh, okay." The man says, and he follows me inside. Perfect. Just as I planned. We walk down the short hallway and go in the kitchen. The husband sets the flowers on the dinner table so he can put it in water later. There is a window above the sink and the backyard was visible, as well as the shed. He might have noticed the shovel on the pile of dirt. So I turn to him. "Would you like some coffee? Tea? Water?" I ask.  
"Um... coffee, please." He's getting suspicious... I can sense it. I quickly prepare the coffee maker and turn it on. We wait in silence for a moment, until he studies what I am wearing from head to toe. "Can I ask you something?"  
"Sure!"  
"Why are you wearing my wife's clothes?"  
"Hm? Oh, this?" I ask and I laugh. But it's a fake laugh. "She wanted me to try this on. I assumed she didn't want them anymore, so she told me to keep it."

"I bought that for her birthday..." The man looks disappointed. But something rings a bell in his head. "That can't be. She never throws away her clothes."  
I shrug and say nothing.

The man shakes his head and keeps eyeing the window above the sink. He's curious. It's getting hot in here again. If he goes outside and finds out about the corpse in the backyard, that's it for us. The plan will be a failure. I told Levi to wait for my cue, but clearly this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. So I begin another conversation with him. He tells me a little bit about himself and his now dead wife. He mentioned that he had young son, who loved his mother to death. He mentioned how the boy loved to swim and play soccer. He mentioned how the boy dreamed of going to space when he grows up. And after that sentence was when the man looked at the floor. "He was a good boy," he says with a smile.  
"What happened to him...?" I ask, as respectfully as possible.  
"We were on the highway. Some asshole decided to get high behind the wheel. So he crossed the median. I tried to move out of the way but... instead, he hit us right where my son was sitting."  
I blink. Now everything around me feels cold. It's as if I'm standing naked in the middle of a blizzard. And it wasn't just any blizzard.

I've been in it before.  
"I'm so sorry for your loss," I say while rubbing my arm.  
"Don't worry about it," He replies. "It was two years ago. He's in a better place now."  
"He really is..." I turn to the coffee maker. "I bet he is enjoying himself up there. Just as she is..." I pause. The man takes a step closer to me with a raised eyebrow.  
"'She?'" He asks.  
I wasn't talking about his wife. I grab the handle and pour the hot coffee into a glass mug. I turn back around without saying a word again. "Who is ' _she_ '?" He wants to know.  
I hold the mug. The steam rises and it smells good. "She was wonderful. But now she's gone." I whisper to myself, but the man hears. He shakes his head and puts two and two together. "My wife isn't coming home... is she?"  
I stare at him now. He knew it all along. His face is masked in despair. Levi was right behind him. It was time. "I'm sorry," I say. With a thrust of my arm, I splash the hot coffee right onto the man's face and he screams while his face begins to blister. The man comes after me immediately and smacks me so hard I stumble to the floor. Because of this, Levi tries to cover his mouth to suffocate him, but clearly, this wasn't going to be an easy kill. The man spins around and pushes him until he slams against the wall. They stumble and kick each other around. Soon the man throws Levi on the floor and punches his face until he begins to bleed from his mouth. He was getting badly hurt. I stand up and run to the backyard. When I go to the shed, I find a machete that had been used for trees.

I come back inside and swing the machete until the man falls aside. He shields himself as I ram the machete onto his body repeatedly. I blacked out and heard nothing but the sound of metal beating on flesh. When all signs of life are gone, I breathe heavily and throw the tool on the floor. It didn't have to be this way. But at least he's with his family now.

I turn to see Levi who was sitting himself up. I quickly go to him. "Are you okay, Levi?" I ask as I touch his face.  
"Don't touch me," He said.  
"Oh my god, look at you, you're bleeding..." I keep checking his face. I wipe away the blood from his mouth with my hand.  
"I'm fine, Hanji."  
"No you're not! He hurt you!"  
"I said I'm fine!" Levi yells, and I shut up. "I don't need your help."  
"Yes you do," I said. "If I hadn't done what I just did... you would have been beaten to death!"  
"Why do you care so much...? Why are you so... different?"  
"Because... that's what friends are for," I tell him with a gentle voice. Levi blinks as I cup his cheeks. He doesn't push me away this time. Instead, he lets me press my lips against his. They were still sweet and soft. Just how I like it. He warmed me up all over again.

I just hope I did the same for him.

We got rid of him.  
Well, technically, Levi did. He took the body somewhere in the forest while I had to stay home and clean up all of the evidence. The sun was beginning to set, so when Levi got back, he made dinner. It wasn't much- he made two cans of chicken soup. He didn't force me to eat this time. He didn't seem to care anymore, for whatever reason. I didn't want to eat again, but I didn't want to starve either, so I ate. And it was surprisingly good! I enjoyed it very well.

It took us twenty minutes to finish eating, and by the time I got up, it was pitch black outside. Levi told me to do the dishes as he walked upstairs. I couldn't be annoyed with him though. Perhaps he was tired. I had to admit that I was tired too. I did the dishes as quickly and quietly as possible. When I was done I tip-toed up the stairs and went into the bedroom where I found Levi curled up under the blanket, sleeping. I blink as I walk over and lay down with him. He looks so innocent while he sleeps. I almost want to smother him with kisses. "Goodnight, sleepyhead," I say as I wrap my arms around his waist and close my eyes. I'm sure he heard me. Sleep was beginning to take over my body. I could have escaped just now... but I chose not to. I _don't_ want to- not yet. I was safe and sound. I killed two people today, and I still didn't feel guilty. For the first time in a while, I actually feel alive.

 _I found myself atop of the stairs. I wasn't alone. I hear people singing downstairs. It was someone's birthday. I go down there and see a table filled with people. They sang happy birthday in unison to the little girl who sat with a smile on her face. I come closer and soon they turn to me. I look down and see a cake in my hands that appeared out of nowhere. Soon my legs move and I get closer to the table. I don't know why, but I am scared. The people in the table turn to me, one by one. They all look so happy... especially the little girl._

 _But not for long. All of a sudden, I trip and fall forward. The cake falls and splatters all over the floor. The little girl begins to cry now, and everyone surrounds me with angry faces. Then the point at me and yell at me and call me names. "You idiot!"  
"How could you?!"  
"You are a disgrace!"  
"I should have aborted you!"  
I tear up and tell them that I didn't mean to make the girl sad. "I'm sorry, it was an accident!" I cried, but no one wanted to listen. I turned around and saw the little girl run out of the house in the distance. I quickly get up and run after her so that I can apologize. Soon I'm in the street and she's nowhere to be found. "I'm sorry," I yell out so that she can hear me.  
Then, a young, familiar voice. "It's okay."_

 _I look behind me, and see the little girl standing there. She raises her arms for a hug, but when I take one more step, a bright light flashes behind her and the horn of a truck fills my ears._

 _She's gone._


	9. Anything

I gasp and sit up. It was only a dream. A strange one, at that. What did it mean? Could it be a message?  
It was past midnight now. I want to sleep again, but my head is killing me. I rub my head to make it go away, but it still lingered. Levi was moving around; I must have awoken him by accident. For some reason, I begin to feel nauseous. Perhaps I got so scared from the dream that I caused my body to react this way. I try to ignore it until it gets stronger. I sit up and try to take a deep breath to make it go away. "What's wrong? Bad dream?" Levi then asks me while sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  
"Kind of... I don't feel too good," I reply.  
He blinks. "You shouldn't feel sick."  
"Yeah..."  
"Drink a glass of water. You're probably dehydrated."  
"True... I'll go." I move the covers out of the way and put my bare feet onto the wooden floor. Suddenly, everything I ate shoots up from my stomach and I cover my mouth. I jump up and sprint to the bathroom. I quickly turn on the light with my free hand and fall to my knees in front of the toilet and let everything out. I felt like I was being punched in the stomach. My heart was pounding against my chest, trying to break free, and I had horrible chills all over my body. I haven't thrown up this violently in a long, long time. When it is all out, I take deep breaths again, and wipe my mouth with a towel. I am too weak to stand, so I give myself a moment to recover.

I hear Levi walk up to the door. I look up and he's there watching me. "I guess I _am_ sick after all," I say to make light of the situation. But he just stares at me with those cold eyes. Even at this short distance, I can sense his body temperature. He is not happy with me. "What?" I ask and swallow hard.  
"That was fast." Levi replies.  
"I-if you're mad that I got sick, don't worry. I can take care of myself..."  
"You're not sick."  
"I'm not...? How do you-" Then it clicked. I think back to when I first held Luci in my arms. And I remember what happened yesterday in that room. "I'm..." I can't say that word out loud.  
"I didn't think it would happen so quickly," Levi adds, folding his arms. "But then again... what do _I_ know about women?"  
"You planned this... why?"  
"I figured it was the only way."

I narrowed my eyes at him. Not only did he do this for pleasure- he did this to torture me with an unwanted child that I will now have to deal with for the rest of my life. All because he wanted to know what I was hiding. But although he may be the father... this isn't so bad after all. This is actually perfect- so perfect in fact that I want to cry tears of joy. He gave me a gift that I needed so very much after... after _that_ day. The day _she_ tried to steal my one and only gift that made me smile each time I looked down upon it. I vowed to cherish that gift... but it wasn't until I was forced to leave it behind.

It's okay though, because now I have a new gift to cherish and love until the day I die. On the outside, I was angry. I feel betrayed, violated, and disgusted. But on the inside, I was sure as hell glad that he did what he did. I love him so much that I want to marry him and make love and never let him go. I _still_ feel sore but that doesn't even apply to me. I'm no strumpet but I'd let him do _anything_ to me now, for he found the missing puzzle piece that I was looking for. So I can't be mad at him at all.  
 _  
"Are you listening to yourself?"_

Levi tilted his head as I loosen up and chuckle. I was feeling much better now, so I carefully pick myself up from the floor. "Thank you," I said.  
"You're thanking me...? For what?" Levi asked, shocked to hear this.  
"For giving me hope."  
"Hope?"  
"Yes," I nodded and take a step closer towards him. "At first, I thought I was going to suffer. But what you've done... seals the whole deal. Thanks to you... I have another chance at a family again!"  
"Wait," Levi shakes his head and takes this in all at once. To him, what I was saying was unorthodox. "So... you changed your mind. You... _want_ this?"

"I needed this," I replied, nearly cutting him off.  
Levi points at himself. "With... me as the father?"  
I nod. "Yes." Just the idea of us being a family of three makes my heart explode.  
"You _do_ realize that... this child will be an exact replica of us. Meaning... they'll have what we have. Would you want to deal with a child like that, Hanji? _You_ of all people should know this."  
"I'm aware of that," I nod again. "I know all of this sounds crazy... but trust me. It's all worth it."

He just glares at me. His plan failed. I knew that he still wanted answers from me about my past. But I vowed to never speak of it again. Yet he was persistent, like a child who will stop at nothing until he gets what he wants. He was getting the idea that family was a key part in my past as well. I had to spill it someday, but now wasn't the time for me. "Well... if that's the case..." Levi speaks again with a sigh, this time his voice hushed and low. "I don't want it."  
"W-what?" I frown. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I felt throwing up again.  
"You heard me." All of a sudden Levi grabs my arms and nearly throws me into the hallway where the stairs were. I tumble forward and land on my knees. He had another plan in mind. My weakness. I knew this because he came and kicked me where my stomach was. I shielded my newly-produced child, but Levi wouldn't stop and caused my ribs and arms to bruise. "No! Stop!" I yell repeatedly. He actually does so but grabs a hold of my hair. "Now you listen to me," He says in my ear. "If you don't speak up right now, I will hold the dead fetus in my hands."  
"Please don't," I say, on the verge of tears all over again.  
He's raising his voice. "I'm not going to ask again."  
"Don't do this... I know you wouldn't do such a thing!"  
"Fine then." Levi stands up and is about to kick me again until I raise my hand.

"No! I'll tell you!" I scream, and he freezes. I try to fill my lungs with oxygen.  
 _Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out._  
"Really?" He raises an eyebrow.  
I sniff and nodded. "I'll will tell you. But you have to promise me that you'll keep it between us."  
He scoffs. "Sure. 'Cross my heart and hope to die.'"

I never believed in karma, not until _that_ day. But today was the day that it truly came back to me. Maybe all of this is a punishment. Maybe all of this is a reward. Maybe this was a time to move on. And I'll never start to move on if I never speak up. So I told him everything.

It all unfolded last year, during the hot month of July. I lived a happy life with my husband and daughter. Luci had just turned seven years old and she was as happy as could be. She was bubbly, sweet, and always had a smile on her face. We celebrated her birthday and threw a big party for her and my husband invited so many of his friends. I didn't have many at the time- I still don't. But all of his friends loved Luci and I. However... my husband had one particular friend who always came to family events.

Her name was Nanaba.

She was absolutely beautiful. Her lips were always pink and her body was perfectly toned. Her skin was as delicate as a spider's web. Luci used to call her "Nana" for short. It was a nickname that everyone called her, in fact. She was calm, down-to-earth, and seemingly compassionate. But I never got to know her personally. I never cared that my husband invited her, for I trusted him. Luci loved Nana as if she was her second mother. I didn't care. Until I started noticing... _things._

Whenever Nana was around, Luci would spend more time playing with her than with her own mother. Which was perfectly fine, really. But it bothered me that the little girl only spoke of her. So one day, I decided to sit down with Nana and get to know her. It went quite well, but I knew deep inside that she was hiding something. Soon, we parted ways and I brought Luci to a museum the next day. We had a great time. I tried to send pictures of us to my husband, but he would never answer. I'd always assume that he was still working. Later that night, we came home and I was extremely worried about him. So I called for him, yet there was no answer. I went to our room. And what I saw made me want to bleach my eyes clean. Nana was laying there beside my husband, naked. "What the fuck is going on?!" I screamed on the top of my lungs.

This led to a horrible argument that lasted all night long. We threw things at each other and cursed and broke walls. I wasn't the jealous type. But this I couldn't take. Poor Luci sat in her room, not knowing what was happening. She didn't even know Nana was there- if she did, it would have broken her heart.

Eventually we divorced. My husband had visitation rights. So Luci would go to him every weekend. When we divorced, I told him to go be with that whore. And he did. Luci was so happy. Each weekend I would sit at home alone while everyone had a blast with their families. My baby girl enjoyed being with her daddy and new step-mommy more than being with me. I hated this. They were stealing her away from me.

So at night, I stalked her. I watched Nana through the window while she played with Luci, laughed with friends, ate, changed her clothes, and screamed bloody murder in bed. I studied everything about her, from her habits to her daily routines. I wanted to make sure that Luci wasn't being treated like shit. It was my job to protect her.

A few months passed by and Luci went back to school. She was going to attend her first concert on a Friday. However, I never went to her concert because I had to work. Nana told me that she'd drop the girl off for me and her father will meet them there. As much as I wanted to choke her to death, she only came to me for one reason- and that was to give Luci a wonderful childhood. For some reason, I still felt like she was hiding something. I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen. But I ignored my instincts. I was a fool. Friday came and Nana drove to my house and waited for my daughter. Luci seemed a little blue as she walked to the door to leave. But I stopped her. "Why are you so sad?" I asked.  
"Nothing," She replied.  
"Are you nervous?"  
"No..."  
"You can always talk to me you know." I smile and move her hair out of the way so I could see her innocent face.  
"I know..."  
"Are you mad at me?" I asked again.  
"No..."  
"Do you want to stay home with me?"  
"Yes, but..." She pauses and scratches behind her left ear. It seemed like something back there was bothering her. "She said I have to go."  
"Who?"  
"Nana." She kept on scratching herself, and I get concerned now. I move her hair out of the way and look at the left side of her head. And all I saw was a bright red line behind her ear. It was a recent cut... I knew so. "What happened there?" I question, growing angry.  
"Nothing, mommy."  
"Luci, tell me right now. What happened? Who did this to you?"  
"It was an accident!" She stomps her foot. I knew she was lying.  
"Don't lie to me! Who did this to you?"  
"It's all my fault. She said that if I tell she'll hurt me in front of my friends again!" Luci's eyes water.

" _Again?_ " I was horrified. I could hear Nana honking the horn outside. My daughter tries to leave but I grab her hand. "Who is she? Just give me a name!"  
"Let me go! Leave me alone!" The child runs toward the door and leaves the house. She was protecting me. I stood there in the same spot, astonished and devastated at the same time. Someone was hurting my little girl. And it _definitely_ couldn't be any of the kids at her school, for she never had bullies. It couldn't be her dad either- although he was unfaithful to me, he would never hurt a fly. And it wasn't a cut someone can make by just simply hitting them. It took time to make that. And there was only one person I knew who took _time_ to inflict pain on others.

I didn't see Luci for three days until Monday came along. I was too busy preparing myself. That night, I kissed Luci goodnight and told her that I loved her. Soon, she was asleep and I left. I drove to my ex-husband's house and waited for Nana to leave. She always left at midnight to God-knows-where. When she did get out of there, I got out of the car and knocked her out with a bat. I stuffed her in my trunk and took her to an abandoned shack out of town.

She woke up tied to a table. I tied her arms down as if she was on a crucifix awaiting to be burned. She was laying there and freaked out and struggled to be free from the ropes tightly wrapped around her wrists and ankles. "Where am I?!" She asked out loud. "Someone help me!"  
"No one can hear you," I said as I walked up to her. "Not here at least."  
"Hanji?! What are you doing to me? Let me go!"  
"I'm afraid I can't do that." I shake my head and finish wrapping barbed wire around a thin metal bar. "You've been a very bad girl, Nanaba. And bad girls get punished."  
"I'll do anything for you! Just let me go!" She was begging.  
I nod. "Alright then." I finish wrapping the wire on the bar and lean in close until I breath on her face.

"Tell me. What was it like?" I first asked.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"What was it like... to fuck with my husband in my own bed? Was it fun? Did you like how it felt? Did he say... you were better than me? What was it like? Don't be shy."  
"I'm... I'm not telling you that!" She narrows her eyes at me.  
"I wonder..." I ignore her. "How does it feel to be a step-mother to _my_ child? Do you love her? Do you get an adrenaline rush when you beat her? Do you?! Tell me. What is it like to watch a child suffer from pain?!"  
I got her. Nana spits on me and I back away. "Fine. I'll tell you. That little brat got what she deserved. You really think I wanna waste my time with a crybaby?"  
I grab her neck. "That _"crybaby"_ is my daughter. _I_ gave birth to her. You have no right."  
"I bet you beat her too." She manages to say.  
"How dare you?!" I squeeze her neck until she turns red. "You ruined my family. And you took my baby away from me." I let her go and walk to the end of the table where her feet were. She coughed as I pulled down her shorts until everything below her waist was visible. "In return... I'm going take everything away from _you_."  
"You're insane!"  
"I apologize in advance... this is my first time, you see. So I'll try my best with the torture." I put gloves on.  
Nana growls at me, but I knew she was scared. But she tried me for the longest time. I just had enough. "Do it." She thought I wasn't going to hurt her... but she was wrong. And the next thing I knew, Nana was screaming for me to stop. I meant what I said and mutilated her identity with the metal bar. After twenty minutes, it got old and I wanted to do something else. So I thought to myself straightforwardly, why not cut off her arms and legs?

With a saw, I carefully amputated each one of them and made sure she bled heavily from it. I wanted her to feel the pain she caused me. I wanted her to learn that the world didn't revolve around her. I stared into her eyes as she cried and begged me to let her live. She even... apologized to me for everything. It's funny how people want forgiveness when they are near death. Perhaps violence _is_ the answer after all.

I watched life fade away right in front of me. Birth is beautiful. Life is wonderful. But death?  
Death is alluring.

I made sure her face was unrecognizable and burned her body by spilling gasoline all over the abandoned shack. I drove away while the fire blasted in the rear view mirror. I killed her. And I was guilty because I realized that Nana wasn't the only problem. My ex was the whole cause of it. But I didn't want to kill him- Luci would be devastated. However, he didn't deserve to have my child.

And that's when I took away the visitation rights. I never told Luci what I did, nor did I tell her where Nana went. Her father got depressed and he stopped coming to her concerts. And Luci began to avoid me. She was confused and always upset. It was only me and her, but everything got worse. I would hurt myself because I thought I could make everything better for the sake of my child. Each night I cried myself to sleep because I wasn't her hero anymore.

Levi hadn't said a word the moment I finished my confession. He just looked down upon me with a seemingly empathetic look as I sniffed and let more tears roll down my cheek. The heavy weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, but there was still something inside that prevented me from completely moving on. Levi did not seem to be shocked or surprised- he was like a pastor who listened to a churchgoer, who wanted to be forgiven for the sins they committed. I hug my knees and face the floor, ashamed. "Are you happy now?" I asked him quietly. Still no reply. So I wildly look at him and raise my voice so much that I nearly startle him. "Are you happy now?!"  
Levi blinks and comes down to my level. "I understand," He finally says and uses a thumb to dry my eyes. "I understand, Hanji."  
"No, you don't... you don't know what it's like to-"  
"You did nothing wrong," He adds. "You were in so much pain."  
"I'm a murderer!"  
"What else could you have done?"  
I shake my head and I can't think straight. "I don't know... I don't know what to do anymore... I'll never see her again."  
"But that's okay," Levi tells me and cups my cheeks to look at me better. "Your little girl... she's safe now, where ever she is. And you are here now... safe and sound... with me." He wraps his arms around me. He tries to comfort me with a hug while stroking my hair. "No one can hurt you anymore. No more being scared and paranoid. The outside world is cruel. Look at what it has done to you."  
At first I was shivering, but now he warmed me up. I can't tell if he is being compassionate or dominant. I didn't want to trust him, but the temptation is strong. I try to move away. But he touches my stomach and I freeze. "Levi-"  
"Shh, it's okay." He whispers and caresses where the baby would be sheltered in for nine months. "Don't cry... I'm here now." I don't think he's talking to me.  
"Levi, please-" I try to get up but he pulls me close again.  
"Where are you going?" He asks.  
"Don't do that."  
"Do what?"  
"You're scaring me."  
"I'm scaring you?" He asks, and widens his eyes. All of a sudden he clenches his fist and rams it into my stomach and slaps me away from him. I might have stated something he hated to hear. He gets up and kicks me again, this time more violently. "I'm sorry!" I yell.  
"I'm _scaring_ you," He just says repeatedly.  
I can't lose the child... not now! "How could you, Levi?! After all I said... I hate you!"  
"I'll fucking kill you!"  
"No!" I scramble to my knees before he could hurt me again and clasp my hands together. "Don't do this to me! Please, I'm begging you! I'll do anything!"

He breathes heavily and stops pacing back and forth. He glanced at me and saw the pain in my eyes. "Anything, huh?"


	10. Gone

Metal.

That is what these chains are made out of. On my wrists are heavy shackles that made abrasions on my skin. I cannot stand, for the chains are too short. They are attached to the pole behind me. I could only move so far. I am calm, but my heart is racing. I am blinded by the darkness around me, and there are no windows to release the moon's rays. It is cold and dirty and clammy in the basement. It was probably around five in the morning now, which meant two hours until the sun rises all over again. However, this night seemed to never end... just like the throbbing pain of my freshly slit thighs. I imagined a bunch of brand new red lines on my skin, adding on to the older scars. I imagine a mini waterfall of blood. The feeling was so familiar. However, I didn't do this to myself.

I did not see him, but I knew Levi was sitting cross-legged before me. I remembered the journey down here very clearly- especially the part when he dragged me and threw my body down the stairs. He just loves throwing me around.

I had enough already. He got rid of my child and crossed the line. But no matter how disgusted I was at him, I wanted to deal with the pain. Dealing with it gives me time to think up a plan to escape. I will wait for the right moment. That way, he won't see me coming. I needed to focus if I wanted to leave out of this house alive. But the chances of that happening are very slim.  
"Do you like music, Hanji?" Levi finally asks. We haven't spoken for so long that I almost forgot what his voice sounds like. I shake my head, but he obviously can't see.  
"What's your favorite song?"  
"I..."  
"I have a favorite song." He cuts me off. I listen to him get up and walk out of the extra basement room we are in. He opens the door, leaves, then comes back with objects in his hands that shook as he walked. He places them on a table in the corner. Suddenly, a dim lantern lights up the room and I can see him in front of me, standing there, holding it. I blink, for he just gives me a look- a sadistic, dissatisfied expression that gives me chills. "I know you, Levi." I tell him, ignoring what he said beforehand.  
"You don't know shit about me."  
"Yes I do!"  
He places the lantern on the floor and sits back down, this time beside me. I watch him take out a little white packet from his pocket, and out of instinct, I try to get away. But he grabs my bleeding leg.  
"Is that so? Please, humor me." He says as he unwraps the packet and takes out the square alcohol wipe inside it. When he puts the damp cloth on my thigh, I flinch at how much it stings. Hell, it even burns.  
"I know that there's another side," I manage to say. "There is another side that has been hidden deep inside you ever since you were a child. Inside of you _is_ that child... a child who always sat in the corner alone, crying..."

Levi stops what he is doing and tells me to shut up. But I continue. "A child who begged his creators to stop fighting... a child who begged them to stop hurting him in ways his innocent mind would never have imagined... a child who wanted to exact revenge on everyone who treated him like he was a slave..."  
Levi blinks and squeezes my shoulders. "Shut the fuck up, Hanji."  
"Inside of you is a child..." I continue, despite him breathing on my face. "Who only wanted one thing. And that was a person to love him for who he is. You _are_ that child, Levi."  
"Don't make me hurt you again..." Clearly, he is angry, but he is also shivering.  
"You once said that I did not understand you yet... well, now I do. I understand you one hundred percent. All of this? Me being here? It's all because you're blinded by hatred."

"Stop talking," he demands and puts his hands around my neck. "I don't want to hurt you..."  
"But you don't have to." I listen to the chains jingle as I touch his face. I feel the shape of his eye and nose and mouth, as well as his soft cheek. He doesn't choke me; instead he lets go and holds my hand in place as if he's clutching a blanket to his face for comfort. Essentially, my hand is his childhood blankey. He closes his eyes and slowly smothers his face in my hand. He sniffs it and feels my pulse and kisses my palm. "You're right," He finally says. "I don't."  
"If I am right, then you would let me go."  
His eyes open and they shoot at me. "Let you go? A while ago you were thanking me. Now you want to leave?"  
"No-" I stop when he squeezes my hand so tight that it cracks.  
"You want to leave me? Why? Just a minute ago you were understanding me. But now you want to leave me. Yesterday you didn't want me to stop screwing you. You killed a man in order to help me out. You even slept with me. But you _still_ want to leave me. Which one is it Hanji? Are you going to leave or are you going to stay?"

"I'll stay," I lie. Levi tilts his head, but I nod. "I will stay. For you, I will. As long as you unchain me. I'll do whatever you want." I wait for an answer, trying to ignore the fact that my hand is being crushed. But Levi just narrows his eyes at me and uses another hand to reach into his back pocket. He thinks for a moment, but then shakes his head. "Liar."

All of a sudden, a blade fully punctures my thigh, and it goes so deep that I can't see it anymore. When he pulls the pocket knife back out, a miniature volcano erupts and blood spurts out. I nearly want to scream but that would make matters worse. "Like I said," He adds while picking himself up. "I don't want to hurt you. But I hate liars. I will keep you chained up like a prisoner and make sure you get what you deserve. Because you? You're like the rest of them. A fucking hypocrite."

"No!" I begin to lose it and flail my limbs, but nothing works. "Don't you leave me in here! Get back here! Let me out!"  
He turns the lantern off and goes to the table again, paying no mind to my screams. "Anyway... about that song... I'm sure you'll like it. It'll calm you down."  
"Stop!" I yell on the top of my lungs. Levi turns on a radio and turns the volume up to its maximum point and I cover my ears. It's an old song with a happy yet unnerving tune. Soon the young singers begin to sing and Levi leaves the basement with the song on repeat.

 _I know, you belong  
to somebody new,  
but tonight  
you belong to me..._

After that night, I began to lose track of time. I didn't know what day it was. I began to forget what the sky looks like. I was always cold and felt sick to the stomach. It was either because of the mold down here, or because I wore nothing but a baggy shirt and underwear. I haven't eaten for days and I got skinnier. That song never quit playing. The only times it was silent were when Levi came back down to either check on me, bruise me up or screw me with his bare hands. And even then it wasn't quiet- the room would be filled with the repetitive sounds of us breathing. He'd bandage me up just to make the same wounds bleed all over again. I didn't like this anymore. I was a toy to him... a toy he liked to play with and throw around. The only thing I could do to escape from this room, was of think of my daughter again. I would think about all of the memories we've shared together before she was taken from me. I would remember her voice and the sound of her cute laugh and the smile she'd make, revealing a missing front tooth. Whenever I thought of her, I felt safe. Whenever I thought of her... it gave me hope. Hope, to escape from this prison.

But sometimes, I feel bad for Levi. He's doing all of this for one reason only- to get revenge. He's demonstrating what was done to him by keeping me here. He doesn't care for me like I do him, or so I think he doesn't. He's just a lost soul, trying to find a way out of the darkness- just as I am. It is quite sickening to think that we are the same, but it is the truth. I almost don't want to leave him. But all good things must come to an end.

After we finished another one of our little "sessions," Levi stood back up and observed me laying on my side, looking at nothing in particular. "What's wrong?" He asked. "You 'sick' again?"  
"I'm... so... hungry..." I say.  
"Oh," He replies. He comes over again and sits me up and feels my ribs. He can easily feel them protruding under my skin. "You're getting too skinny."  
"No shit..."  
He rolls his eyes and sits me back on the pole and fixes up the chains. "I'll get something for you."

I say nothing and he just leaves without turning the lantern off. He walks up the stairs without turning that irritating song back on. He leaves me here and I sigh with relief. My stomach growls and hurts at the same time, and I wrap my arms around myself, for it is an uncomfortable feeling. Despite how short the chains are, I successfully wrap my arms. Then I hear a clink and something falls on my thigh. Both of the shackles came off. I widen my eyes and gasp. "He made a mistake," I cry. He must have accidentally unlocked them somehow. Or maybe he did it on purpose when we were in the dark and I just did not notice. Who knows?

But that doesn't matter. I'm free! I grab the pole and pull myself up to my feet. It feels good to be on my feet again. The stab wound on my thigh, however, still aches and I try to get used to it as I walk toward the door. If I am quick and quiet, I'll be able to get out of here. The door squeaks open and I peer through it- he is nowhere to be found. I go on and crawl up the wooden steps. When I reach the top, the door to the basement is already cracked open and I tap it. Then I'm on the ground floor.

It's quiet- too quiet. Perhaps he is upstairs. The front door is just a short walk away. I saw a clock on the wall. Its big hand was on the nine. It was nighttime already? Time really flies. It was going to rain; I heard thunder rumbling little by little through the walls of the house. In the distance I saw the dinner table which had the same flowers the husband once held for his wife, in a glass vase. Instead of it being alive and purple, was wilted and brown. I wondered why Levi didn't throw it away.

How long did it really last?

I am almost there. Just a few more steps and I'm free. Only baby steps I could take, for any other way would cause a ruckus. I can't wait to breathe in the fresh air. I can't wait to feel the dirt and rain and grass. I can't wait to see the world for what it really is again. I stare at the door so much that I block out everything else. It was a gateway to heavenly freedom.

The hand on my shoulder makes me jump and I gasp when I turn my shoulder to see who it is. Levi glares into my eyes.  
I blink and sprint to the door, but he grabs my body and heaves me up. I swing my legs and make a struggle so that I can get free. Then I find myself flying forward by force. I land on a coffee table and it breaks completely. I become so infuriated that I growl and get back up to tackle him down. We fall on top of each other and I stick my nails into his neck. An unbroken glass vase that once sat on the coffee table rolls up next to us, and when Levi sees it, he breaks it by smashing it against my head. I fall sideways and he quickly goes on top of me to hold me down. Before I could say anything, he raises a fist. "I knew it," he just says, and then everything turns black.

When I come back to my senses, my ears ring so loud that every other sound was a muffled echo. I wasn't out too long though, because I awoke to being thrown back on the floor of the basement. I dizzily take a look of my surroundings. The left lens on my glasses is cracked; I'm surprised it even survived all of this. I felt throbbing heat on my temple, but I ignore it. I see the young man at that table again, preparing something... and I didn't want to know. I crawl to the exit, but Levi stops me before I can make it.  
"You just won't stop, will you?" I hear his voice echoing. He kneels in front of me and the ringing fades out. "How stubborn. I should have known. I've had plenty like you, but they never lasted long... I remember how boring it was. They listened and refused to make me angry... but you? You're just a fucking rebel! You love getting into trouble!"  
" _Plenty?_ " I think to myself, for that word stuck out to me the most.  
"You see Hanji, what I did there was a test... a test to see if you'd really go that far. And you did. I really pity you."  
"Just kill me already," I shake my head. "Do what you have to do..."  
He stands up. "No... I won't kill you. Not now, at least."  
"For fuck's sake just get rid of me! You know you want to-" I am cut off when Levi abruptly sits on top of me. I try to throw him off by moving around but that just makes matters worse; my face gets planted on the floor. "Get off of me!" I yell. But he doesn't listen. He prepares himself by unbuttoning his pants and moving what I had on out of the way. I can feel him breathing down my neck now. He's as hard as a rock.  
"You've been a very bad girl," He says in my ear. "And bad girls need to be punished."  
"Stop!" I scream, on the verge of tears.

 _"Mommy?"_

It's as if something, or someone, heard me in distress. I open my eyes. Nobody is here with me. Everything is silent and calm. I look for the source of the voice I just heard, and see the little girl in the corner. _"Luci?"_  
 _"Mommy..."_ She says. I don't know what is going on, but seeing her face lit a candle that had been out for so long. She's just as I remembered: small, sweet, and adorable. _"Luci... what are you doing here?"_ I try to reach my arms to her, but she backs away.  
 _"Why did you leave me, mommy?"_  
 _"I didn't mean to, baby... it was the only way I could protect you."  
"You didn't have to."  
"I know..."  
"Where are you?" _My daughter asks.  
 _"I'm in a bad place, Luci,"_ I replied with wild eyes. _"A very bad place. You shouldn't be here."  
"But mommy, if I stay, won't I be safe with you?"  
"No... Not here... it's not the same. Leave this place before he gets you too!"  
"But... you don't understand," _She sighs and looks at her feet. _"I can't leave."  
"Why not?"  
"Because... you won't let me."_

I am confused now. What does she mean? _"What is that supposed to mean?"  
"You won't let me go. And although I am scared... I have to leave by myself."  
_I think I have an idea of what she means now. _"There's no need to be scared,"_ I tell her. _"You are a strong girl. I know you are capable of doing anything."  
"How can you say that when... when you can't even be brave yourself?"  
"I..."  
"You are always sad. You are always so frustrated. I hate when you are like that, mommy. You never want to tell me anything!" _The girl stomps her foot.  
I shake my head. I still can't tell her. _"But Luci... I didn't want you to be worried. I only wanted you to be happy!"  
"I'm not happy now. I won't be until you let me go. And I won't leave until I know that you are brave." _Luci takes a step forward, but I still can't reach her. _"I don't know what you want me to do,"_ I say.  
 _"I want you to beat him. Just like a hero!"_  
 _"I'm not a hero, Luci..."_  
 _"Yes you are. You are my hero. You always will be."_  
 _"Do you really think so?"_  
 _"I know so... but mommy, you just have to let go if me first. Then I will tell you how to be brave again."_  
I am not sure what she means when she asks to let her go. Perhaps she means to let go of all the guilt that I have. The guilt I am drowning in. Perhaps now was the time. Now that she's here, I think I can let go. So grin at her and agree. _"Okay. I will let go."_

For the first time in a long time, I finally got to see her smile. It was the very one that made me feel safe again. Luci finally steps towards me, and holds out her hand. I reach mine over. _"Be brave, mommy."_ She said. _"You have to fight."  
"How?"  
"What would you do if I was in danger?"  
"I would..._" I stop and realize something. I think something clicked in my head. _"I would kill for you."_

When our palms touch, an invisible glass wall shatters between us and Luci shatters with it. I broke it- I broke the barrier that trapped my mind. Everything is all clear to me now. I know exactly what to do.

All of a sudden, I get pulled back into the same room as before. Everything is all said and done, for I see Levi on his feet, fixing himself up with his back facing toward me. I have no fear anymore. I carefully pick myself up, as well as the pocket knife that he dropped. I push the little button and the blade pops out. I didn't want to have to hurt him. But times call for drastic measures. He looks over his shoulder, but then winces at the feeling of the blade in his side.

"What did you do?" He cries. I say nothing and stoically watch him start to bleed. It wasn't enough, though. Before I can make my next move, he ignores the pain and slaps the knife out of my hands. When he shoves me aside, he tries to run to the table, but I tackle him down again. I use every bit of strength I have left in me and punch him where he bleeds.

I try not to look into his eyes.

"You bitch," Levi shouts. I don't know how he disregarded the wound so well. He smacks me aside again and scrambles to his feet, only to find the knife on the floor. I pick myself up as well and run to the table. The first thing I see is a wrench. Next to it was a metal bat. I take the wrench, but I get stuck in a choke hold. Levi plans on slitting my throat. I throw my head back and knock on his face and he is forced to let me go. I swing the wrench to his head and he collapses. But I didn't stop there. "What's gotten into you?!" He asked, clutching his hand on his forehead.  
Just before I bash his head in, I want to give him an honest answer. "Bad boys need to be punished."  
"Don't you dare-" He stops when I ram the tool on to his head. He tries to shield himself, so this doesn't work. I drop the wrench and get the bat. And I beat him with it- so much that he can barely move. Then, he looks at me for a split second; I see his eyes. And they tell me something. I couldn't kill him.

He raises an arm while he spits out blood. "Stop," he begs. "No more!"  
I really can't kill him now. "Now you know how it feels."  
"If you want to leave," he faces me again; his irises are shiny. And his voice begins to crack. "Just fucking leave!"  
"You'll die," I realize, for he was bleeding more and more in his side.  
"I'd rather die alone." He didn't mean that. "Now go... get the fuck out!"

The thunder booms loudly throughout the house. Despite the weather, it was a great time to leave. I ran through the hallway and left Levi in the basement. I unlock the front door and swing it open. Then, I'm finally free.

I run. I run in the heavy rain. I run until my heart feels like fireworks. I run so fast that my muscles feel like they are going to tear at any second. I run and don't look back. I run and splash through puddles and mud. I even slip at one point. But that did not stop me from escaping. My lungs inhale, exhale, inflate, and deflate more oxygen than I have ever breathed in my life. I am tired and sore, but I keep on pushing myself. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to hurt him or make him bleed. Levi was the one who made me happy, yet he caused so much hate. We were the alike, but at the same time, we were complete opposites. I can't blame him for what he has done. He only wanted a friend. None of this would have happened if I had just quit being so envious and greedy.

I see lights; white, red, blue lights flash before me. I chase after it, and I get closer and closer and closer... until a sudden force makes me air born. I hit my head on glass and land back onto a puddle on the ground. I stare at the sky and watch the lightning, despite my glasses being elsewhere. The rain is peaceful.

I close my eyes and imagine a rainy day with my daughter.

"Miss? Can you hear me?"

The soothing voice of a woman pulls me out of my dreams. My eyelids reveal a brightly lit room and a lady with ginger hair. Beside me is a heart monitor. "Where am I...?" I ask.  
"You are in the hospital," says the kind lady with a tender smile.  
"I am...?"  
"Yes... you ran into a police car. You have a fractured forearm. And we had to stich you up a little to stop the bleeding in your head. You should fine nonetheless." The woman looks at a chart. I look at my hands and feel my head with my good hand. My head is wrapped with bandages. The doctor then studies my face. "Miss... do you you mind telling me your name?"  
"Hanji... Hanji Zoe..."  
She blinks. It's as if she ready knew who I was. "It is you after all."  
"What day is it today?" I ask.  
"Friday. You've been missing for about a week now." She says. "The police have been doing everything they can to find you. Luckily, an officer was on the way to a home of a missing couple... that's when you appeared out of nowhere."  
I swallow hard. "That means..."  
"We found him." She stops me. "You are safe."  
"I'm safe..."  
"And he'll never hurt you again." The woman touches my shoulder with a promising smile.  
But I wasn't glad. I was worried. I didn't ask if he was okay though. I knew he was here; I hear officers in the distance chatting quietly about this entire case.

The woman knew more about me. I could sense it. She writes something down on the chart and puts it down on the table. Next to it is a vase with healthy purple flowers. She takes something out of her pocket. My cracked glasses. "They found this. I decided to clean it up and give it back."  
"Thank you," I didn't even realize they were gone. I take them and see clearly now.  
"You're a strong woman, Hanji!"  
"In this condition?" I ask rhetorically.  
"Well," the woman chuckles. "I have both bad and good news for you. The bad news: you'll need to stay here and recover for a day or two. The good news, I suppose... you're pregnant."  
I widen my eyes. "I am?! How long?"  
"A couple of days... however... there is an option to terminate it if you wish-"  
"No." My mind was already made up. "I want to keep it." The woman asks me if I am sure. I'm positive.

Speaking of pregnancy and children... I remembered something. The heart monitor began to speed up a little bit. I suddenly become anxious. "My daughter," I cry. "I left her all alone... I have to get back to her!"  
The woman stops me from sitting up. "You can't get up yet... try to relax, okay?"  
"No, I can't... not without her!"  
"Hanji... don't you remember?" The woman asks. I shake my head. Her attitude changes dramatically into a depressing one. I don't understand why. "Her name was... Luci, wasn't it? With an 'I'?"  
"Yes! That's her. If you have her already... can you bring her to me?"  
She shakes her head and takes me hand. "Hanji... your daughter... she died in a car accident last year. It was all on the news."  
"What?" I blink. That can't be. I was in her concert just last week. I heard her voice. Unless... that as the voice of another child.

No. This can't be happening. The memories are coming back to me now. All of them. Luci was never there when I drove her to school. She was never there in the restaurant with me. She never saw my scars. She never sang in her concert. It was all a hallucination.

That night, when Nana picked my daughter up for her concert, they went off. But they never made it to the school. Nanaba revealed to me just before I killed her, that she purposely ran a red light on an intersection where a truck hit the right side of her car. It was where Luci was sitting in. Not only did she abuse my child, she wanted to get rid of her. In the hospital, she was in a coma. Her father became depressed and left for good. Nanaba watched me cry over Luci's limp body and grinned. I saw her leave. I was forced to listen to the monitor flat line all by myself.

The second day was her funeral. I was the only one there. I thought to myself; caskets should never be that small. Seeing my daughter in that thing and knowing that she'll never wake up made me want to be in her place. I wanted to commit suicide just to be with her. That night, I overdosed, but it didn't work. It made me so sick I had to be in the hospital. When I got out, I wanted revenge. So I bought everything I needed.

And the third day was Luci's burial. It was a rainy day with my daughter. She loved the rain. She loved to step in puddles. When I drove home, I had no more sadness. I did not believe that she was dead. So the moment I stepped foot inside my house, was when Luci came back to me. She hugged me, happy to see me home. I put her to bed, kissed her goodnight, and then left to give Nana what she deserved. No one ever knew what I did.

Now I understand why Luci wanted me to let her go. She died, but I gave birth to her again. She is a figment of my imagination. I did not want to accept the fact that she died. It's all my fault; I couldn't save her that night. I cover my mouth with my good hand and my eyes water and I let out a wail. "No... She's gone. She's gone!" I finally admit it.  
"I am so sorry," says the woman. "It's hard. I know. Let it out. It's okay to not accept it."  
"She's gone..."  
"Everything will be alright."  
I hate that sentence. "Just leave me alone. Please."

The female doctor reluctantly nods and leaves the room. She told the police to not question me yet. I cry so much that I have trouble breathing. It feels like shit. It sucks. I need some help.

But maybe this is a good thing. Perhaps being missing for a week was both a punishment and a reward; a punishment for being so blind, and a reward for having a heart. Maybe it's time to start a new life. Maybe this isn't such a big deal. I wipe my tears away and take a deep breath.

I think I am ready now. Ready to start moving forward. 

***

 _Two months later..._

I decided to visit him.

Yup. That was what I was going to do. I wanted to tell Levi of all the things that I've done. Like how I managed to seek some help. Like how I managed to move to a new home. Like how I was told the sex of the baby. Inside me was a healthy little human, waiting to be born. And I couldn't wait to meet it. We haven't seen each other since that night when I escaped. I never knew what happened to him. I'm pretty sure he wondered about me too. So today I decided to visit him to apologize. I still feel bad for hurting him. I felt like it was the right choice to forgive and forget.

To be honest, he changed me. I don't know how, but something about him changed the way I viewed things. I am a different person now because of him. I'm quite nervous to tell him that I am having a child. I wonder how he'll react.

I was led by a a group of officers to a room where people spoke to their loved ones through a phone, glass between them. I sit down, and soon Levi sits down before me. He's surprised to see me. Not mad, not happy... just surprised. "You... you came back." I hear him through the phone.  
"Yes, I did."  
He notices the bump in my stomach. "You're still pregnant...?"  
"Yeah... two months." I nod, grinning. "And it's a girl."  
"A girl," he blinks. But he seems quite satisfied to see me well. "That's good."  
I nod again, and it's silent. But I break it. "Levi... I'm sorry."  
"For?"  
I shrug. "Leaving you."  
"No," he shakes his head, and his hair swings. Clearly, he was changing. "I'm sorry. For everything."  
I smile and want to give him a hug. But I can't. So I put my hand on the glass and tell him that I forgive him. And when he put his hand on the glass where mine was, I saw that child again- not the one who was suffering... but the one who was beaming with happiness.

He did it- actually, we did it. We found closure. The doctor was right.

Everything will be ok.

 **The end**


End file.
